Where do we go from here?

Happy Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T22:56:00.000-05:00

So this was a little different for me. Emotionally at least. I think a few years ago I realized that it was a waste of time being bitter about being single on Valentine's day. Also I heard myself complaining a few days ago and I got sick of it. I told God that I'ma quit complaining being single. I know what He promised me and it's done. So no I didn't have any plans tonight, but I was super excited to watch Glee.

One thing that does help things is that my office is major ego booster. I work with majority men who are extremely sweet but mostly way older and/or taken. Which helps in two ways: they are used to the female species and aren't goofy jerks. One of my co-workers asked if I was doing anything tonight. I told him no. And he says 'what do you mean? You don't have guys knocking down your door?' I said, absolutely not. He said, 'I don't know what's wrong with guys, you're an amazing person!' Well that's just stuff I can put in my pocket for a rainy day and its always nice to hear.

So for now I'm cool with my circumstances. Nothing spectacular about this day, but it wasn't disappointing either. Therefore, I can look forward to better days and continue to appreciate those who are in my life right now.

Whitney

2012-02-13T17:27:00.000-05:00

Music is an extremely powerful gift. It's surrounded me my whole life. So much so it baffles me that some people don't feel as attached to it as I do. So to me, Whitney was like an Auntie. In fact she reminded me of one of my favorite cousins who will always embody her beauty to me. Her music not only swept me away but helped to train my young voice. Even if I couldn't always reach those soprano notes, it stretched me. Performing "I'm your baby tonight" for my stuffed animals taught me stage presence.

Even though, I gave up performance in my youth Whitney's voice is unmatched. There would be good ones, but nothing like this. I was listening to "You give good love" not too long ago and was thinking 'This woman is a beast'. It's amazing how she just reached up into the sky with no warning and snatched some ridiculous notes.

So when I heard about her death my heart sank. Even days later it seems unreal. I've never been a person to put a celebrity or anyone on a pedestal. But this one hit me. I didn't know her as a person, but she was human like any other. I appreciate her artistry and am truly saddened about these circumstances.

Now I feel like going out and buying all her music.

Update for 2012

2012-01-31T21:38:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not I have been writing. I have several posts that I'm going to try and release periodically. But last year ended with a bang and this year began with one. First off, I'm glad 2011 is over. It ended my career in retail and bondage to the mall. The first year I've been on my own and unemployed. Probably one of the most financially stressful years of my life. Through it all God has been really good. I feel like I've grown spiritually. I've gained some new revelations about myself and matured. I've got a new group of homegirls, S/O to the Legendary Ruth Crew as one of my followers coined us. I've opened myself up to the possibilities of a romantic relationship although no one has crossed my path just yet. It's all about being open first. Then after exploring what field of work I would like to go into next I began to ponder the possibility of going back to school. Also there have been several projects in which I would love to put some extra time into and continue developing my business sensibility. So I feel like this year is going to be one of the most productive years I've ever had. I'm looking forward to new relationships, business ventures and experiences. And technically this is the my last year in my 20's. Time to go out with a bang and give 30 a round house kick to the forehead!

Hope for the Nation

2012-01-25T18:58:00.002-05:00

I was reading an article on a site that lately I frequent often Clutch Magazine. The title Are we too smart for that old time religion? Made me want to see what the content of the article was because I am a believer. And while several things stuck out to me there was one particular quote that struck me. A professor of religion from blah university stated Black people are “worse off because of our allegiance to theism. We have seen suffering as a mark of closeness to God.” The consensus of the professor’s argument is there no use for God now that we have advanced so much as a people with education and opportunities granted to us through civil rights.

Now this is where I step in. For many years I believe the church has been trying to redefine religion and educate believers on what the difference is. Religion is tradition, rituals and obligations. It has very little to do with belief or relationship with the Creator. I will never forget hearing Myles Monroe teach at a conference and say that (I’ll paraphrase) Jesus never came to bring a religion. In fact he was tearing down religious mindsets left and right. I’ve heard many sermons preached about coming against religion and yet what I was reading in the comments section was not only the defiance of Christ but of God altogether.

Several people brought up that they tried to wrestle with the Bible, found it to be confusing and decided it did not and would not apply to their lives. Where they had a problem is having Christian values forced upon them without their say so. For example, prayer in schools and such. But what if I have a problem with homosexuality being taught as a viable lifestyle in the schools? Do I have a say so? You don’t want to hear my Gospel music in the car, but I don’t want to hear your music about sex, drugs and immorality.

We will never come to a peaceful resolution because at the core of it, we don’t agree. However, I do have sympathy for those who have never allowed themselves to surrender enough to know the Lord. It’s seriously the best feeling ever and life. We all will have hard times, but it’s better to have peace in the middle of it all. At this point in my life, I have seen enough of the good and bad to know I could never deny the existence of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit nor Their activity in my life. And believe me, I’m one of those inquisitive people who asks the deeeeep questions of life. I was not even raised in the church. But every time I have a question about life, God finds a way to answer it or give me peace in not knowing absolutely EVERYTHING. By all accounts I probably should not be a member of the church. I like to explore a broad spectrum of life. I research everything I’m curious about. If I like a CD I read all the liner notes, the lyrics, the artists’ biography everything. I love information. However, when I got to a very dark place in my life and I said God, I can’t take this and I can’t do it on my own. I’m all in. He walked me through the process. He made me secure in Him and myself. I know He’s real.

We can pick the Bible apart together. You can ask questions and get the answers. But at heart of it, you will believe what you want. I’m not delusional. I’ve seen the workings and miracles of God firsthand. I have seen the manifestation of demons before my eyes. I know which side I want to belong to. And while I would love for everyone to know Him just as I do, I know that may never happen. And because this is America and everyone is entitled to their opinion, I don’t argue with non-believers. But I am here as a testament of Christ and I stand on what I know.

Homeless

2011-12-24T10:59:00.002-05:00

So I had mishap last night. I had been staying at a friends' because it was close to work. I went back last night to get my things and pay their rent. They live in a triplex so their landlord lives next door. I'd gotten all my things together and the last thing I had to do was slip the rent in the door slot. Well I closed the door behind me and you guessed it, it locked.

First thought, knock on the door. Surely, the landlord will open the door and unlock it for you. No answer. Second, try the other apt. No answer. So after ringing door bells and knocking on doors for I don't know how long, I started to wonder what I would do. What numbers I actually remembered off the top of my head that were relevant.

Dialogue from my head:

Well I could just wait out here until they get back. I'm glad I wore a jacket. Oh my goodness! What if she's gone out of town? WHY ARE HER LIGHTS STILL ON? I don't know where I could walk without a bunch of homeless, scary looking people around. How am I gonna get Ashley from the airport on Monday? Her keys are in my car too. My keys are in the freaking house!

Like what would you do if you suddenly had no cell phone, no transportation, no access to your house because the person with your spare key is out of town? I was the definition of screwed. So I went to the neighbors house who was having some kind of girls' night and was about to head out for the night. I asked if she had the landlord's number, which luckily she did but unluckily it went straight to voicemail. I called my sister, who also thankfully has a spare to my car. I wasn't totally locked out from my possessions. But I wondered how would I get to my own house or if my apt office would even be open on Christmas Eve. To make an already long story short, thank God that there's one more person who has keys to this place and she's meeting me today.

I wasn't homeless for long and for that I'm grateful. How are your survival skills?

Your gift will make room for you

2011-11-18T13:20:00.001-05:00

I spent half the day a couple of Saturdays ago sangin. And when I say sangin I mean belting out notes like I never have before even when I was alone. I don't call myself a singer because I've never taken the time to develop this particular gift. It gave me an appreciation for those who practice, train their voices and take care of their vocal chords. And it showed me that I also that I do not want to sing for a living. However, it’s on my list of goals to start developing more of my natural gifts and talents. I had planned on having an actual day every week to publish a blog, but somewhere along the way my social life took off!

Anyway, after all of that I realized that I'd never pushed myself that hard in all the years I've been singing. There are a lot of things I never pushed myself to do or develop and I’m thinking its left me in a revolving state of apathy. So many things I could do, but don’t. Would I be more fulfilled if I worked harder? How high could I reach if I put in more time?

Even in high school I was involved with many activities, but I sailed through most of them. I got a 3.0, not even trying. Graduated from college and hardly worked to my potential. As I look back, I could get really disappointed. But I really want to learn from this. Come out of the hole of complacency. To tell you the truth, before Christ I had no ambition to do anything. NONE. I did what I thought I should do and clearly not to the best of my ability.

This seems to be a common theme in my life. I feel like the wrong one in the parable of the talents. You know, the one that buried his talents (Matthew25:14-28). But why have I buried them? That parable says he buried what he was given out of fear. Now we’re getting somewhere. Although, my reason for not shooting for the stars before was a lack of ambition, now the excuse has to be fear.

So what is the solution? Well for me it began with outlining goals. And that was something that was recently done. Next in the plan is creating discipline. This is especially hard for a go with the flow type of person like me. Waking up early when I don’t have a clear reason to. Cleaning EVERYDAY. Studying when there’s no visible test in front of me. Tuning in to hear the Lord when I’m not fasting. And for real, sometimes I totally feel like I have ADD because I have the hardest time focusing and concentrating when I’m not busy.

I’ve got lots of excuses as to why I haven’t done what I can. I’ve read the books on purpose and I’m still trying to mentally get to the point where I believe I actually can reach those goals. Yeah, it’s a process. I’m positive every time I post a blog that I chose the right name for it. Where do we go from here? To the moon!!!

Moving Forward

2011-10-14T19:56:00.001-04:00

So my plan was to get back into my writing and post a blog every week. BUT there a lil snafu in the plans since I don't have easy access to the internet at the time.

A little bit of an update: I started a temp job and since I had been out of work for about a month and a half, it feels really good to have somewhere to go and something to do everyday that doesn't eat into my nights and weekends. While I had all that time to gather my thoughts and figure out where I would go from here (my life story), it gave me time to seek God in what to do and where to direct my attention.

I'm completely changing careers which I've found that as hard as it is to get without any experience it may be harder or just as hard to break into a field after you've had years of experience in one area. My advice to those who are trying to break out of their box is focus on those universal skills you gained that can be used anywhere.

What God also revealed to me was my lack of trust in Him to provide and where it stemmed from. I tell you what, I was shocked. So now begins the process of digging up the root of that mistrust. My church has begun a fast this month and you would think this would be the perfect opportunity to dig into this issue. Yeah well lemme be honest. This has been one of the hardest fasts for me. Everyday I'm just wanting to give up. It's totally been a battle.

But during my time off I gained a fire to develop my things that are on my goals list. If nothing else, I've began to utilize my time more wisely. Started to pay attention to my finances so I will never again be in the same position. Mils told me about a book called the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and has heard great things about it from others. It's in my Amazon shopping cart as we speak.

So.....Where do we go from here? There's one place to go. Forward.

Generation Gap?

2011-09-26T15:17:00.002-04:00

From what I'm told, I don't "look" my age. But honestly, I don't think people know what people my age look like. I think they're expecting something else. Anywho, I looked up one day and all of my close friends are 4+ years younger than I am. This is fine because I don’t think I look like the odd older chick trying to stay relevant with the kids.

Plus we are in the same stage of life; Single, post-college career women with no children. However, they are not as far removed from college as I am. It’s OK for them to have friends in college and date college age men. Not so much for me. I guess my question is: Where are my peers? And more importantly: where are the men my age?

They all can't be married with children.... Although most of my classmates I know are. As far as age is concerned I don't see myself going much younger than 24-25 or older than 33. I've read about women dating younger men. Does it really work? I don't really know any in real life. My dad is 3 years younger than my mom and that didn't end well. But in my eyes my dad is probably younger than I am....so that doesn't say much for older men either. Hm.

Welp. I'm sure folks would say don't concentrate too much on age, it’s all about maturity. Kinda like in the retail world we would tell women it’s not about the size of the dress, but about the fit. This is totally true. Some women won't even try on a bigger size because of the number in it. Because it represents something they never wanted to identify with themselves. But what they fail to realize is that companies manufacture things differently. An ill-fitting garment can look worse than if you had just gone up a size. I hope that metaphor came across well. I said all that to say, it’s not about the number. However, that doesn't mean it’s going to feel comfortable.

I can't see myself dating a 22 year old. But I would be willing to go for it once just to prove myself right.

Short end of the stick

2011-09-21T18:52:00.005-04:00

To put the issue to bed once and for all, I'm writing a response to a twitter discussion that involved quite a few people I know. A question sparked it all: As a tall woman, would you date a short man?

My response is no. It’s not for me. My reasoning? I'm simply not attracted to shorter men. There is not one shorter man than I could have seen myself being in a relationship with. Nor do I care to. The men involved in the discussion began to ask, 'You would turn down a perfectly good man just because of height?' To me that’s like asking a man, 'You would turn down a perfectly good woman because she's light skinned or flat chested or thick?' A question of prejudice? A matter of preference or is it a requirement? Whatever it may be, there's no changing my mind.

Now some of my tall sisters brought up being able to feel secure if their man is taller than them. And some said that it was the men that became insecure dating a taller woman. But while I was writing this I began to wonder, am I secure enough to date a short man? The answer is a swift and quick: NO. And that's not something I'm interested in building up my self esteem to do. Especially when I don't have to.

I am above average for a woman standing 5 feet 8 inches tall. I am taller than most men I come across especially with my heels on and I ain't stepping off my stilettos for nobody. I prefer my men to be taller. No, I'm not saying that just because you're tall that I will be interested. That's simply the first step. Now am I cutting myself off from a sea of men because of their height? Am I doomed to be single because I don't want to be able to put my arm around my man’s shoulders? Well if you think those are the consequences, just know that I thirst for no man and refuse to settle just to have one. I read that God will provide the desires of my heart if I delight myself in Him. Trust me, I'm delighted.

Matchmaker Paul C. Brunson says height is what most women he comes across site as a ’non-starter'. Or something that automatically cuts a man from their dating pool. He mentions that there are on 14% of the male population that are over 6 ft tall. He obviously feels that in the world of matchmaking women are selling themselves short (no pun intended). However, I feel that 14% is more than enough for me. I only need ONE. I tend to look on the bright side of things.

Therefore I don't believe I'm missing out just because of my preference (requirement). I am simply aware of what I like.

A house is not a home....

2011-09-08T17:44:00.000-04:00

...... until you decorate it and put pictures up.

People like to think because I like fashion and know how to put an outfit together that somehow that equates to interior decoration. Not so much. It takes more of a commitment to put a room together than it does to put an outfit together. I mean you’re gonna look at that room day after day. If I don’t like my outfit I can tweak here and or change it all together because well I’ve got lots of clothes. However, I don’t have lots of furniture and drapery to interchange. So whatever I decide on has to stick.

I just moved into a new apt. I said I didn’t decorate my last apt because I didn’t like it. Truth is I didn’t really like it and I’m not that good at it. But I promised in this upgrade of an apt that I would get my grown woman on and actually put pictures on the wall. Right now I’m still in the concept and color picking stage but at least I’m thinking about it.

This speaks to other areas of my life. I’m a lil commitment phobic. It’s probably the reason why I’m not in a relationship and why I’ve never gotten a tattoo. Stability is a foreign concept to me. I admire it, but have not really experienced it firsthand. Being a child of divorce and having moved around quite a bit in my early years has given me the itch to change things every two years. My pastor said just last night that you have to change the script you’ve been given in life. I believe recognizing there’s an issue is the first step.

I would love to be at a job for 10 years. Not because I have to, but because I love it. There’s a reason my blog is called Where do we go from here. I’m constantly asking what the next step is. So this house decorating is all in preparation for the next step. And I’m getting rid of my phobia and settling in. Not only to help with my commitment issues, but also because my family is tired of helping me move.

Unexpected Vacation

2011-08-25T00:09:00.000-04:00

Well there's so much to say...which has kept me from writing in the first place. I've been on a lil vacation of sorts. I knew I would be leaving my job soon, but it certainly didn't happen the way I thought it would. And to put it lightly, I was released from my duties. I was prepared to fight at first and when I saw there was nothing I could to say to change things. I let go. This is definitely a first for me. It was like the first time I failed a class. Being the type of person who was used to doing things well and being praised for them, the fact that someone found fault in my work was hard to accept.

But then there came the peace of God. Letting me know that everything was going to work out for my good. And what I've come to find is that maybe I settled so much in that job because it was comfortable I wouldn't have left without having been forced out. So with no restrictions or obligations, I've allowed myself to be open to whatever is available to be done. Being there to help with my church or help my friend move or go out of town to see my family wouldn't have happened if I didn't have this time available.

And it came in perfect timing for me to attend Word Explosion which is a yearly conference held here in Tulsa. I feel so much more empowered by going this year.

I do have a position that I am interviewing for and I feel really good about it. It has not come without a fight. Whereas I thought it came really easily at first, it has been a test of persistence. Never underestimate the power of persistence.

Now the vacation is coming to a close and I still have lots to do. Here we go!

What keeps me going

2011-07-22T12:16:00.001-04:00

There are somethings I will miss about my current position. Although they may be few, they have kept me going.

1. My customers are THE best. I've been in retail for almost 6 years now and I've never had customers that I've connected to in this way. They are considerate, funny, interesting and we've shared quite a bit of time together. I'm even considering inviting all of my regulars to a farewell dinner once I find out my start date.

2. Seeing the new stuff come in before everyone else. There's something about getting that exclusive look.

3. The discount of course. It's a gift and a curse. You know why.

4. And oh yeah it's my only source of exercise. I think I walk about 3 miles a day (No lie). All the lifting and bending and such. I guess I'ma have to find me a gym...

Single life

2011-07-22T01:00:00.002-04:00

So I feel like I'm getting prepared. I'm in training and everything is a lesson. I'm taking notes. I'm listening close and I'm getting chastised for my mistakes. This is what the Lord has been showing me.

Don't waste your time. God is purposeful and everything should be used especially your time. People are important and should be treated as such. Respect people and their feelings. Know your boundaries and what you will and won't accept. Know why you're doing things. Pay attention to your connections and what they are to teach you. Be careful who you connect yourself and your purpose to. Push past your limitations. Pray about everything. Reach for your goals and achieve them.

Looking back

2011-07-21T21:57:00.003-04:00

Here's a list of the things I will not miss about my current job.

1. Working nights and weekends- This is when everybody does stuff. I'm not completely anti-social. I'm not extremely non-committal. I just have to work every time people plan stuff and everyone else is off.

2.The temptation- I work in my favorite clothing store, therefore I love everything that comes in. It's putting a dent in my bank account. I gotta move into a bigger apt to fit all my clothes.

3. Being on my feet all day- Although working there has been an everyday work out, I will be ok with starting at a gym.

4. Listening to music that I didn't request- There are some songs on the playlist that I really detest. (that rhymes lol!)

5. Cleaning up a place more than I clean my apt. - People are nasty.

6. Waiting for a relief person in order to leave- Some people just can't be on time.

7. Being asked to ask the same questions again and again

8. If I had a nemesis, her name would be M____ She ALWAYS comes in with a return.

9. People who don't know how to read their receipts or store marketing.

10. People who don't want to come to work.

In my opinion

2011-07-21T13:19:00.000-04:00

There's an associate that works with me who whenever given an opportunity takes that time to insult herself. We work in a clothing store and she has a curvier shape than most women. But it seems she has to point to that fact at once a day when I work with her. For example: She said, "If I could wear pencil skirts, I would totally be all over that." But what bothers me is when she will compliment me to insult herself.

I was in the store just yesterday and a customer was asking me about my hair. What products I use and how I got the result I'd gotten with rollers. She pipes up and says, "Yeah we pretty much hate her because her hair always looks great." No one was even talking to her! Now when people say these types of things I start to think there really is some hate beneath the surface. And this is not the first or the second time she's done this : 'Yeah we pretty much hate her' stuff.

I just can't get with the self deprecating speech and sometimes I want to take her to the side and say "You are fearfully and wonderfully made and the way you talk about yourself should reflect that." I think that's something I will do. Write her a note or something. It just stems from a lack of self esteem. I've been there before and everyone just has to become comfortable with who they are and what they are not.

I remember watching a Tamara Bennett message and she said," There is not a worldly woman that I covet and truth be told not ANY woman I covet." And pretty much she was saying its because she knows who God created her to be. I feel the same way. There's no need in being upset over something that I just was not meant to be or have, but I am determined to be and have all that God has for me.

In saying all that, maybe we just need to lift each other up with pure motives more. Tiff and I were talking last night and we mentioned that when people give us compliments we still are not always able to accept it in its purest form. It almost always comes with someway to downplay it afterward.

Them :Oh girl I love your hair!!

Me: Oh this? I did this a week ago, its dirty and my color needs to be re-done, but thank you!

Just accept the compliment, please. Message to you and me.

What did you say?

2011-07-18T12:48:00.000-04:00

So I just finished reading a blog AND almost all the comments from the Very Smart Brothas blog called Why Compliments are a Man's Kryptonite and it made me take a long look at myself. (Warning there is language). Well, I can remember telling my girl Tiff that I just don't give men compliments because I don't like to blow up their heads. They become all conceited and you can't tell them anything and in turn you get treated like trash because they think they're so much better than you. She lectured me about this and told me I gotta do better. Then when a guy I liked came over to our apt I remember mumbling "I like your shoes." His face lit up. I looked at Tiff like 'Are you happy now?'

While I can say this is probably still true. I don't see myself being a overt compliment giver... to men. And just like the blog states women fawn all over each right when we see each other. I almost feel it is a compulsion to give my friends compliments and I feel bad if I can't find something. But for men. Well I don't want them getting the wrong idea and also as perpetuated by the blog, my theory is correct. So I think I'll keep my deck stacked and play my cards right. However, if I ever want to make a man putty in my hands, I now know how to do it.

And I have heard that is the trick of the game from older married women. Make sure you stroke a mans ego from time to time. You're so strong! I could never do that! You're so smart! How did you figure that out? You smell wonderful! What cologne is that? But be careful with your arsenal ladies. You can end up attracting attention you can't get rid of.

And in the same token, don't think just because I compliment you don't think its because I want you (men). I want to become better at exhortation. It's never been my thing. But I don't want it to be misinterpreted as flirting. So we'll just see how this turns out.

I'm a waiting child

2011-07-13T08:27:00.002-04:00

So the cats out of the bag. I am without a 12 group or leader and have been so since my last leader moved out of town. Now for those of you who don't know my church functions through discipleship groups. Every one has a leader and is in a group from my pastor to all the teens. Or they should be. It comes from the great commission in Matthew 28:19 where Jesus said go into all the world and make disciples. Well it starts at home.

Anyway, this next leader will be the 4th group I have been in. I guess I'd been tired. I made all the excuses and they were good ones too. For example, I just don't want to jump in any group just to say 'I'm in a group'. It's like finding a new family and that's not to be taken lightly. As well as this is a people group who will pour into your life which also is not to be taken lightly.

Plus, I am a person who is committed. Once I become invested in a thing I'm all in. I really didn't feel like visiting people's groups and for a lack of a better word putting myself out there. It's like dating. I don't want to lead anyone on. I want to feel a good connection. And I've never been able to be a real player. Once I like a person, I'm not thinking about anyone else.

And this morning while reading my Word I came across this verse in Psalms 68:6 God sets the lonely in families.

So I'm trusting you Lord and I know you will place me in the right family.

Practice doesn't make perfect

2011-07-03T19:10:00.002-04:00

So I follow a match maker on Twitter named Paul C Brunson. He put out this summer challenge to ask out 10 people in a month's time. Well while I would never do that it did seem like an interesting way to meet people. Well one night while talking with my friends one of them confessed that she has never been comfortable around men or on a date. So we decided to take on the challenge for one night. We would go out and find guys to take bowling.

I don't ask guys out. I'm pretty traditional in that sense. The other reason I don't ask guys out is I was really shy around guys for years. Until I got to college and like a butterfly from a cocoon, I decided it was time to spread my wings. However, my new found confidence didn't keep me from being nervous about this challenge.

So we went out with a mission...and found nothing. We didn't even talk to one guy. But I went with a willing heart and I think that's saying something. What? I'm not all that sure yet. The whole thing was mainly to get my friend out of her comfort zone with the male species. But who knows, maybe the reason we didn't find anyone was because we went looking. *message*

It was fun while it lasted.

Revival

2011-05-15T23:47:00.003-04:00

I prayed for a girl yesterday who was just going through some deep things and she said, "I'm all alone." I know this is a huge trick of the enemy to make us feel alone and therefore we become more selfish and we're never apart of a community. I've dealt with this issue personally because I'm a person who is usually alone. Sure there are times when I'm in big groups and there were even times when I would hang strong with a group of people. I remember a prophet even telling me that 'There will be times when you will run with many and times when you will be alone, but its going to be more alone."

That was hard for me to swallow at first because I thought 'what does this mean for my life? will I always be alone?' And the enemy really tried to turn that into loneliness. But God has really comforted me through the years. It has turned into a real testimony. The more I get comfortable with Him, the more comfortable with myself.

And no I don't really like big crowds. I don't like being the center of attention. I'm sure there will come a point when I will have to come out of my comfort zone. Because thats just how things work.

Anyway, we went to church last night and I didn't know what to expect. Joy just kept asking, 'What's this gonna be like? I'm just expecting revival!' Theres just something about coming with expectation. God honors that! It just ended up being a refreshing for some, a healing to others and a refilling for some. All in all, I pray everyone got what they needed.

I will wait for you

2011-05-05T12:46:00.001-04:00

I feel like she's telling my story. This right here keeps me going!

ok so..

2011-05-04T11:59:00.003-04:00

This conversation has come up twice in the past couple days and I didn't start it, but I'd like to comment. How do even begin?

Clearly, I'm single. And for everyone one that means something different. For some people that means that you are simply not married. But I am also saved. Which means that I have a relationship with Christ and I look to Him for guidance on everything. So people wanna say theres rules. Fine call em rules. But what I've come to learn is that they're not just rules, they're safety precautions.

So because I am a single follower of Christ, I am celibate. This also seems to mean different things to people. I'll clarify. No form of sex or anything involving the word sex. No pornography or masturbation. Not humping, rubbing or squeezing. I'm jus saying.

Well you might ask, how do you live?!! Since I have known what its like to have been involved with someone and then NOT be involved with anyone. I had a major withdrawal period. And just like any addiction, there are steps to being free of its allure. For me, it started with being open to letting it go. Being filled with the Holy Spirit was a huge factor. Then began my education about what sex meant spiritually.

What I have learned is that sex is so awesome, wonderful, fabulous because its meant to connect you to a person FOREVER! The chemicals released during sex ensure this. It's the way God designed it. That's only awesome when you WANT to be connected to that person forever. Some of y'all can't rid of some people because of this bond you created. Which is why its protected within the boundaries of marriage. If there's no guideline for sex then you have people having sex at the wrong age, time, places (i.e. elementary school).

Sex is meant for intimacy with another PERSON. It connects your spirits. So what happens if no one is there? What are you connecting to? I read Juanita Bynum's No more Sheets and she explains that when you orgasm, it opens up the spiritual realm to the point where all the spirits present are transferred. And if you're there alone its open for demonic spirits. This all depends if you believe in demons or not. It doesn't really matter if you do or not. They sure hope you don't. At any rate, when its all over you're still ALONE. I just think thats worse. What was the point? Its like scratching an itch. And when you're done, the itch is just more irritated than if you had left it alone.

This also explains when you have sex with someone and you find yourself doing things they do. Habits they have are now yours. That's the transfer of those spirits. Why are break ups so much harder if you've had sex with someone? You've connected your spirit with them. Also known as soul ties.

So when I experienced the separation and how extremely painful it was for me. It was a wake up call that honestly took several years. But again that's not everyone's experience. After doing something for so long that you become numb to the warnings and the effects. So the pain is not as noticeable. But its still there.

So I pray for my friends that still think its fine to have toys, "friends", watch porn because I know of the inevitable pain that will follow. If its not heartache, its depression or addiction or deception or torment. However, I know there's an alternative. I've been living it. I'm not going to say its easy although in some ways it definitely is. I found major security in knowing my worth and I've been saved from the pain of connecting myself to someone who only planned to be in my life temporarily. But I know that when I do, that my not being involved with others will help us have a stronger bond. Very much looking forward to that.

Discipline

2011-05-04T11:40:00.002-04:00

MAN I have been having the hardest time with this. I KNOW I have discipline in some areas. I have to! But this fast that I've started is making me think that I have NONE. I almost think it would have been easier had I chosen to fast from food rather than TV. Which is telling me that this is absolutely the right thing for me to fast from.

But I'm just bored at home. The last thing I want to do when I get home is work or read. I want to zone out in front of the TV or find out what everyone else is up to through FB and Twitter. I don't have cable, so social networks are basically how I find out about world events. Plus, its how I keep in touch with people. Some of my friends will mention me in a tweet before they will text or call me.

Well that's it for my excuses. CONFESSION TIME: I haven't exactly totally completely been done with the social networks...I have banned myself from TV shows and but I've watched a movie or two. This is hard! Because although I can go to sleep in silence, I need some kind of constant noise. I'll try music...

Oh well, keep me in prayer.

What season are you in?

2011-04-17T23:56:00.003-04:00

Had an interesting convo on the way to church and just so happened to be in a "carpool". Not really sure how it came up, but the guy driving began to go into how males at church see me. Oh yeah, I remember. He asked us ladies in the car if men in church approach us. I said, nope sure don't. Then he began to explain his perception of the matter. I think this is the gist (or at least what I heard) :

- You're unapproachable (because you have a "don't talk to me" look)

- unavailable because you're barely at church

- unavailable because you're always at work.

- You're not cordial

- Not conversational, very straight to the point

He said a man would look at you and assume you're either married or you're taken. You have a regal stance about you. But it just depends on what season you're in and if thats not what you're looking for then just keep doing what you're doing.

Well, all this may very well be true. I tried my very best not to be offended by these statements. And I took them and thought about them. I think it looks to them like I'm not giving anyone of them the time of day because frankly, I don't think they are worth my time.

Why even flirt if I'm not interested?

So, yeah of course I want to be married. But I'm not inviting all and any advances. To me, thats just a waste of time. Should I apologize for my security? I refuse.

He mentioned that a man may watch a woman for a couple months before he approaches her. Well if a man has watched me for that long and feels like I'm not worth talking to, then I don't think I want him to. And if he does try to contact me and I don't make myself available, trust me its for a reason.

Because I don't want to talk to you.

I cannot come down to appease someones insecurity. If they can't even approach me to have a conversation and find out how I really am then its just not meant to be. If he can't even approach me then why would I want him to run my household? And if we have a conversation and there's no chemistry, then I'm just done. Don't waste my time and I won't waste yours.

I thank God for keeping me all this time and the encouragement I get daily is great. However, I'm human and I think when, when will it be my turn?

And needless to say, this guy who brought up this conversation is not one I would even consider. Nor have I seen anyone I would consider in that church. Which probably is the reason for my demeanor. But it is something to think about.

I almost get tired of the stats. This percentage of this. This number of that. I'm over it. But, still optimistic :) .

I'm sure of the kind of man that will keep my attention and until then I'm cool.

Hypocrite

2011-04-06T22:05:00.006-04:00

So I've been thinking and its been going on for a while now. It kinda started when I sat in on the youth bible study. My jaw dropped open when they began to tell us things they would see on a daily basis. Kids having sex in hallways because they figure what's the point in hiding it? I asked, so what do you do? They said, ignore it. One, thank God said I pray for em.

Most of these kids have been in church all their lives. Most of em look like they've been dragged there. But yet they know the right responses to give. What to put on their social network pages. They know what to tell their parents. They know how to hide their dirt better than most adults.

So, I began to wonder: Are we raising hypocrites? I mean not me technically since I'm not a parent. But I have cousins and lil ones under me. What deception is telling them its ok to live a double life? One thing is clear: they don't feel like they have to choose. They can have their Nikki Menage and their Kirk Franklin. Their club on Saturday and church on Sunday. Joshua 24:15 says:

"But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”

Matthew 16:24

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

Who is teaching these people? And do they even care? It's just disheartening and scary. Because if there's no compassion, they will do anything. They are our future and they have no regard or respect. No fear of the Lord.

Now Proverbs 22:6 says Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Did we train them for this? How do you even begin to raise a sincere and caring person? I guess it begins with being one in conjunction with prayer.

I know I'm not the easiest leader to be under, but I walk my walk. I'm not perfect by any means, but I honestly want and try to live right. I just wonder when we will stop raising people who want to blend in or follow whats hot right now or who are just plain selfish and start raising people who want to live for the kingdom.

Preparation

2011-03-22T03:12:00.001-04:00

I had no idea when I moved back to Tulsa the training that I would be under. God you have amazed me day after day. I know its all for a reason. I won't be afraid.

Who do you think you are?

2011-03-15T00:29:00.003-04:00

Have you ever been around someone who know is looking down on you? Or maybe a particular area of your life? I feel like I just got a taste of this from a person who used to be one of my really close friends. I say 'used to' because we haven't been so close for a while now.

I actually got confirmation about this when I talked to my cousin. But what it did was make me check myself. And if I've ever made any of you feel that I was better, then I apologize to you and repent to God.

There's a thin line between walking the straight and narrow and being self righteous. If you don't know by now, I am always willing to let you know that I am in no way perfect. Nor do I have all the answers. Although if there is a question I love to seek the answers for myself.

I'd appreciate if we all took ourselves down a notch. If we plan on correcting or rebuking one another, make sure its in love and not an effort to make yourself look better.

The adventures of JK

2011-03-14T19:17:00.006-04:00

It seems every time my friend Joy and I go out of town SOMETHING goes terribly wrong. I say "every time" but we've only been on the road together twice. I wonder if after this she'll give me another chance.

For example, we went to Texas last year. We actually got down there without a hitch. But on the way back, I'd heard from friends who make the trip fairly often to take another highway because its faster. We did NOT know that there were a ton of tolls on this new highway. We didn't have enough cash...

First toll: Take this slip to the next toll.

Second toll: This is the last slip if you get 3, you get a ticket.

So we asked is there a place we can stop to get some cash? Mind you I ain't see one gas station between these last 2 tolls. She says theres a gas station before you get to the next toll. Stop there.

Driving....driving...nothing.

No gas station. No fast food joint. Nothing. As we approach the toll I see the McD's....after the toll. So I try to make the appeal that the last lady told us about the McDonald's. This lady, just nasty as she wanna be says, They told us about you. Pull over there, the state trooper is comin.

Dang. What do I do now?

The trooper was way more understanding than those stupid toll people. There was no need for that. PLUS the lady lied to us! So he volunteers to give me a ride to the ATM. Card doesn't work... He gave us one more chance. Joy came through in a pinch. Saved me from getting a $300 ticket because of like 4 bucks in tolls.

Which brings me to my birthday weekend....The first plan started out with a trip to Dallas with 3 or 4 of my girls. One by one, they start falling off. So to make it more feasible I say lets go to OKC. Shorter trip, more economical. At the end of the day, it was just me and my roaddawg Joy.

Lemme tell you: procrastination will get you every time. I got better for awhile, but this is a sickness. I gotta do things in the moment. It's terrible.

We ended up leaving late because I wanted to rent a car, but I paid my bill a lil later than I should have. I procrastinated even before this because I was planning on finding my license somewhere and couldn't. I couldn't very well rent a car with no license. So...I had to get a new one. Before we left.

BUT because I didn't pay my bill early enough (just one hour), the payment didn't post in time. Long story short we ended up going back to the counter 3 times before the I actually got the car.

Oh but this bad boy was sexy....A white Ford Escape. Ahhh Escape. Perfecto!

So because we got on the road late, we missed our reservation at a restaurant that I really was excited about trying. Went and checked in at the hotel. Which was sooo beautiful. Did a lil dancin round the room and went to eat....at Chili's. Womp. However, the food was bomb and I got a free dessert. A gorgeous chocolate volcano with ice cream on top. Until...a nasty piece of hair surfaced from somewhere. I got another free dessert to go.

Well somewhere in the middle of all this...I clearly forgot to pack anything....

No bathing suit

No contact solution

No flat shoes

No pajamas (this is something I forget often)

Wal-Mart to the rescue. I did at this point remember to get a bathing suit (which has inspired another blog) and pajamas.

Actual Birthday: done. Morning time comes and its time for breakfast. So I make my appearance at breakfast in heels and part of my outfit planned for that day. I sure know how to be a show stopper.

After breakfast, we get our swim suits on and go down to the pool. I didn't know that Joy was part fish. She was right at home in the water. I, on the other hand, didn't technically know how to swim. So she taught me! She said she thinks I was lying about not knowing how to swim because I didn't struggle at ALL. Well, hey I'm smart and I'm a fast learner. Besides...Pisces...hello!

In the midst of all this swimming and GREAT discussion, we lost track of time. The hot tub was heaven! I had to practically force the Lil Mermaid out of the pool. When we made it to our room, the key doesn't work. So we went down to the front desk.

Um what time is check out?

What time is it?

11:51

We make a mad dash to gather our things, take showers and get dressed. Imagine 2 girls trying to get dressed in 8mins...Craziness.

It wasn't til later that we found out about this thing called 'late checkout'. Something that the girl at the front desk made no effort to tell us about. Skinch. She saw that we were all disheveled and wet.

Now I can't find the stupid swimsuit I spent so much energy toiling over.

But we got our things together. I got some contact solution and we finished getting dressed at my best friends house. Because it was sooo beautiful outside, we decided to take a walk around Bricktown. Get a drink at Starbucks, got some Girl Scout cookies and ate some sushi. Living the life!

And that was our time in OKC... The details of the evening are not important. Had great evening after I got back to Tulsa as well.

The point of all this is that nothing went the way I planned. I could have chosen to be upset. Mostly at myself. But I chose to enjoy every moment. We had a blast. 28 feels good. And I'm glad that I had someone with me who didn't have an attitude. Who chose to laugh along with our craziness. That's my roomie! I think I'm done planning trips though. I think I need someone more organized to get the ball rolling. I just wanna go along for the ride.

Ok, now let me stop procrastinating and finish my taxes.

What is this?

2011-03-02T01:11:00.004-05:00

For the past couple weeks I can say I've had something that resembles.....get ready.....a life! But shoot its tiring having a life. I may have to retreat back to my hermit- like lifestyle. I've had so much fun, but I feel like I haven't gotten anything done. With some new changes happening at work, I've been given a lot more responsibility than I asked for.

Every now and then its good to be pushed. Have I become the person I want to be? Not yet. But I'm aware. Clearly there's still work to be done.

This is excitement!

2011-03-01T01:06:00.002-05:00

I'm super excited and I think this warrants a new blog because I am typing on my brand new beautiful laptop! YEEEE!! I've never had a brand new computer. Nor one that didn't break my back because I was trying to lug it somewhere. Or that I was too embarrassed to take outside. Now I got my internet AND laptop and its all working together! YAY! Praise God~

Laundry all night long

2011-02-15T01:45:00.006-05:00

Since my last post I was snowed in a my friends house for several days then I just ended up staying there for like a week. At some point after I got my car jumped (because the battery died) and dug out from the snow, there was no point in me being there. I just got up and made my bed and went to work. I even went home and got MORE clothes. We had a blast.

We eventually had a rescue team come in and get us for some periodic dance sessions on the Wii. Which may have gotten us into a situation that we are now having a hard time getting out of. We' ll see how this goes. I was telling a friend to that it's fun when new relationships come from people who were always around. Take me and Joy for example. We were cool, but now I can really say we're friends. That's what happens when you spend a week straight with some one. Either you get closer or you kill each other. I'm glad it was the former.

Many revelations though these past few weeks, which I'm sure will manifest in this blog. Can't wait to share. Can't wait to get a new computer. Soon and very soon.

Snow Day

2011-02-01T23:58:00.002-05:00

If you follow me on twitter you know that my computer died and I refuse to write an entire blog on my ipod. I just won't do it. As an update, well I still think don't think I've been spending my money as well as I could have. But I haven't been trying to ball out like I used to. So I'm more aware of where I'm spending. Budget my bills out first. So on and so forth.

I also had that hard conversation with my friend. Which had it moments. But I got my feelings off my chest. I'm glad I voiced my opinion and didn't just harbor resentment. She got to say what she felt. It was weird for a lil bit, but we got through it. I'm still gonna have to come out of my comfort zone. It's apart of growth.

We got a blizzard goin on so I'm snowed in. Getting all the rest I can stand.

Ok so

2011-01-21T01:57:00.002-05:00

I don't do resolutions but I am gonna try something different and I'm going to document it for accountability purposes. So anyone who knows me knows I have a little bit of a shopping problem. It doesn't help matters that I work/live in my favorite clothing store plus I have a discount and we get crazy deals. So I have to decided to see how long I can go without shopping. The ultimate goal is 90 days. Shoot I'll be happy if I can make it 21 days. And I'm gonna start there.

So the rules are:

1. No frivolous spending which includes clothes shopping, eating out more than 3x a week or things at wal-mart that I really just don't need.

2. However every pay period I will allow myself to splurge on a lil something for the specified amount of $25 (I just made that up right now, I hadn't specified earlier)

And I think thats about it. The gist of it is I'm tired of never getting anywhere with my savings and my closet is steady getting more and more full. So here goes. I'm gonna check in with my blog on payday because thats when I get my urge to spend and we'll see how it goes from there.

one

2011-01-15T23:29:00.002-05:00

I had to put on my comfy clothes for this one. Take the contacts out and relax for this here. So I was just having some random thoughts the other night and decided to jot them down. I don't know where this is gonna go so be prepared for anything. I also don't really have a point so if it works out I will be totally surprised. Here goes:

I've never been a popular person per se. I moved around a lot. Not alot of time to get to know people. Connections were short lived. All I've ever needed was one friend. One ryde or die homie. One mic. One confidant. Usually when I moved to a new place. I would be outgoing for a while, find my one person and then shut down again. I've never wanted lots of people to know my name. Although, let's face it they probably should.Now I'm not unpopular in the nerdy, geeky sense of the word. I just don't know alot of people nor do they know me. I don't want people calling or texting me at all times of the day and night asking, "What are you doing? Whats going on tonight? Where the party at?" I don't want to be obligated to too many people. I don't want to have to entertain.

So the ironic thing is that those kind of people seem to gravitate to me. Why? Idk. Because I'm NOT a groupie? I'm available? Who knows? So needless to say: I don't really understand this phenomenon. I know some famous people in real life. They may not have a record deal or a tv show, but people really like to hype them up. I just think its gotta be exhausting ya know?

Which is probably all of these stars begin to fall apart at some point. I think we all need to be able to hear our own voices. Get to a quiet place and hear God. And I'm not saying that the way I keep people at a distance is right or healthy. And I'm not saying that its not. But at times it sure is helpful. I can entertain myself. I enjoy me.

Some people simply have an attractive personality. And for some reason they usually don't mind having people around. We need these kind of people in the world. They're called influencers. The problem usually comes when they influence people in the wrong direction. Take Hitler for instance. Bad influence leading to genocide.

College and work have made me step outside of my boundaries. I've become more outspoken, but at the heart I'm still loner.

Communicate!

2011-01-10T20:38:00.003-05:00

For the past few weeks I have been going back and forth learning this lesson in communication. I admit I wouldn't call myself the best at it. But I have been told that I am: passive aggressive, a bad listener, not verbally expressive, cold and just a flat out bad communicator.

A lil something about me:

When I was younger, I felt whether I said things or not it wouldn't matter. People don't change based on what you say anyway. Therefore I kept a lot to myself. I journaled my feelings. I've kept a journal since I was 11. When it came time for me to actually let someone into my life, I can't lie it was extremely hard to let them into my thoughts.

Trust is a major issue. I am still very cautious about who I let in. But now after getting a hard and fast lesson about fighting and having some (to me) highly sensitive friends, I've tried to notice any signs that I'm shutting down. I'm not very sensitive, but I'm not selfish. I really do care about others and their feelings.

Now, I try to nip things in the bud early. If I'm really upset, it may take me a day to get my thoughts together and then present them. I never cut all all communication. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away, it just makes it more awkward when you finally have to face it. Its still very, very hard for me to confront people. But when I push past my discomfort and bring up these issues, is it unreasonable for me to expect some reciprocation? Well you can't expect everyone to be where you are.

One of my very outspoken friends who prides herself on her communication and I have been bumping heads since day one. Just because you say it out loud doesn't make it ok what you say. So I find myself having to regain my footing and think about how to talk to her. If I am extremely straight forward with someone, I feel like they can take it. Some people make you have to rethink what you say them. Well I feel like I do that with her. But maybe she doesn't necessarily do that for me. Or perhaps she feels like she does.... It must be addressed. Leading to another awkward conversation.

I'm getting the feeling that life is full of awkward conversations. Yes, just now realizing that. And I get tired of them. I get tired of explaining. I get tired. Why can't you just know?! But if you value your relationships, you have to. Otherwise, if you don't care about those relationships justshutup.

How do you know love?

2011-01-08T21:30:00.004-05:00

So this is the question: What does it mean to be IN love? I remember a teacher once told us that if you find that you still love that person 10 yrs from now, you can know that you really loved that person. I was discussing this with my best friend and her conclusion was this: its simply loving someone who you're attracted to.

I feel this way: there's got to be some evidence of sacrifice. If you're not willing to give anything up for that person, don't say you love them. Secondly, people will hurt you time and time again. Whether it be intentionally or unconsciously its bound to happen at some time. You have to be able to forgive. Third, you have to be able to feel safe with that person. Enough to let them in the deep, dark places that no one else is allowed.

If you gather all those things and place it with a level of passion and attraction Voila! You're in love! Sex is not love. We seem to know this and at the same time, we act like we don't. Sex has one purpose to bond two people, create life and of course pleasure. It sounds like 3 but its one. When the purpose for something is not known it will be abused. So people have taken an attribute out the total purpose and made it seem like thats the purpose. Well we know that the pleasure in sex is the sense of euphoria you feel by the release of chemicals through an orgasm. Giving you (mostly women) that 'loving' feeling.

So "being in love" can be accelerated by physical affection, constant communication and emotional pulls. This is also known as a soul tie.

My love test starts with this: 1 Corinthians 13:4

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And that's just the beginning, being in love is still not the same as staying in love. I do believe that love(the action) is a choice and something that you have to practice.

It's such a complicated thing only because you never can know how another person will react or what their thoughts, emotions and history's are. I am a cautious person. Best believe that if I say that I'm in love with someone, that that love has been tested without a doubt.

Who's a flirt? ME?

2010-12-11T13:42:00.003-05:00

I don't know if y'all know this, but you will be tested about every bit of knowledge you receive. So I was just remembering how one day I was cleaning and listening to this old Pastor Tamara Bennett tape. Her messages have been right on point for this time in my life. No matter what I hear her preach about it relates to me somehow. Anyway, she happened to interject her message to talk about this kinda friendship she was having with a guy at work. Nothing real big they would just chat it up at work and one day she just said to him,"Thats a nice tie." Seems real simple and innocent right? Well the Holy Spirit asked her,"You gonna get one of those for your husband?" She replied ....No. He said, "Your father? Brother?" .....No. Well then its just idle conversation. Not going anywhere and for no reason. That's what flirting is. And Pastor Bennett said..."Now that just a little too much." And I'm sure I'm paraphrasing but you get the gist.

So then it comes to me and I admit maybe sometimes I tell a little too much about myself on this blog. Reach back a few years and you can learn a lot more. But this is really therapeutic for me and its a point of accountability. Perhaps I can help someone else. Recently, very recently in fact I found myself getting caught up in the flirting game. Caught up I tell you! With someone totally inappropriate. And you know I recognize my growth because I'm catching it before it goes too far. Flirting used to be a fun thing for me to do back in the day. I was a big flirt. You laugh, you touch, you feel appreciated for your wit and talent. But what for? Its all a pointless waste of time.

I now see after talking it over with my accountability partners and I need many, that um this is not a good thing. Like I said previously "Check ME". I don't like straying too far. And the little things turn into big things. I KNOW!

I'm not the type of person that flirts with everyone. In fact some would say I have been out of practice for the past few years. BUT I know how to do it when the opportunity arises. And for me when opportunity knocked, I answered. Contrary to popular belief I am an affectionate person. And this was my chance. For some, this is not a big deal. Y'all may even say I'm making too much out of this. What's the harm in a lil flirting? Everybody does it! This is the problem: I feel like its not really a good witness. How do you look when your flirting? All googly eyed and cheesing. Silly: thats how you look. Can someone take you seriously when you look silly? Idonthinkso. What message do you send? I wanna get closer to you, possibly in private. What if you don't wanna get closer? Waste of time. And you're possibly leading someone else on, leaving room for them to get hurt by your actions or vice-versa. Then I get home, with no one to flirt with and those feelings of loneliness try to creep in when a few months ago I was totally content with my peace and quiet so now I'm searching for someone who is not God to validate me. (long sentence, I know)

And apparently, the Holy Spirit thought it was a big deal bring it up to Pastor Bennett and to me as well. I didn't get the shut down like she did, but it was enough to make me think back to what I was doing. But trust me, I do get shut down.

I mean everyone wants to feel attractive. Even if you know you're attractive having someone pay attention to you just confirms the fact. But when you start to compromise yourself to get that attention, thats a problem. I was watching Tyra the other day and she had several teen girls from ages 13-15 talking about sexting. Sending naked pics of themselves and sending graphic texts to boys. For most of them the reason was well if you don't do it the boys don't pay attention to you. For others it was like well it was something HE wanted and I just gave it to him. They weren't embarrassed, it was normal to them. Its what they DO. Thats just scary to me. These are the lengths young girls are willing to go to receive a compliment! Really?!

So I'm at this point in my life where I've gotten all cleansed and whole from all those other soul ties and what am I doing? Trying to create new ones? So it stops right here. With me. I'm taking responsibility for my actions. And I'll be patient.

Memories

2010-12-11T11:35:00.003-05:00

OH blog remember when I used to write almost everyday? Those were the good times.... Well not really, I had some crazy things goin on in my head at that time. Its just good to have record of my craziness. I will commit to writing more often and I know, I know I've said this all before. It's just when I get into the swing of writing, I miss it. But like I said before inspiration has been few and far between. Then with my sister hijacking my computer and inconsistency with internet (which I will fix), when I do get inspired I have no outlet for it.

So maybe I shouldn't make promises....We'll just see what happens.

Check me!

2010-12-10T23:50:00.003-05:00

So I got some inspiration. I was just catching up with a friend of mine and I felt the need to confess something that had been bothering me about myself. I noticed a lil bit of the old me trying to creep up. And she tells me oh yeah I noticed that. I was like HELLO! Why didn't you tell me? She said well I didn't wanna embarrass you. And I was like well you shoulda! I would have.

Folks, I check people all the time. All the time! Sometimes people need to feel embarrassed! With that said, I wouldn't dish it out if I couldn't take it. And I kid you not, there's only one person I know that will check me. ONE! She's not here in Tulsa and I honestly still don't know if she would do it in the moment. How can I expect to grow this way?

I can't even tell you why they don't take the time to correct me. Perhaps they feel like I don't take correction well and in that case, thats another thing no one has told me. Or maybe they don't pay attention to others like I do. Hmm. Or maybe they have unrealistic expectations of me. Maybe they don't feel comfortable in general.

But maybe in this situation I had to be the one to own up to it. I'm not totally unaware of my actions. And if I choose to live in oblivion, somebody snap me out of it!! I'm talking about accountability. I'm not afraid of it. I welcome it. And if I'm taking offense, I know they have hit a sensitive area. I just have to say don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. If there's truth there, it will be worth hearing.

In the end, I know if I don't get checked by anyone else, the Holy Spirit will check me. I can always count on Him. If I didn't have that connection, who knows what kinda craziness I would be into. I have a tendency to be a lil complacent sometimes.

Today

2010-12-10T21:17:00.002-05:00

I finally got my computer back and I've had so many random thoughts, deep thoughts, thoughts in general that I could have definitely turned into many blogs. But of course as of right now I don't have a real blog. I'm just gonna get my thoughts together and get back to you. I actually just woke up from a nap. This is probably not the best time to be writing, but I figured I should start somewhere.

Oh Internet...

2010-10-28T20:23:00.002-04:00

Dag it sucks not to have consistent internet. Soon that will be a thing of the past. As soon as I move into this next apartment, I promise I'll pay for it. Now I feel so far removed from the NY trip I don't feel like I can give an accurate or entertaining account of the events. Long story short, we missed our cheapest routes back to NJ and our hotel and since no one in NY wanted to admit they didn't know where we were going we ended up in Newark about 45 mins from our hotel. I didn't sleep the whole night, RAN to get on the bus back to DC, slept for bout an hour, went the HU/HU game and tried to stay awake through dinner. I think I passed out around 8:30 or 9.

All in all, it definitely was an adventure. It seems lately that when I've gone on these trips I rarely do what I've gone there to do. Sometimes you just roll with the punches.

What happens in NY

2010-09-11T11:13:00.006-04:00

So this is really fresh now because I'm on my way back to DC from NY and I just wanted to see what I could get down if anything. I'm still really trying to process and I'm coming off of like 2 and a half hours of sleep. Ya know you gotta be careful about what you say.... because I remember telling a couple people that I may not sleep until I get back to Tulsa. Where to begin? Well at the beginning of course. So here goes.

Tiff and I decided to get an early start on the since we didn't get to see as much as we wanted on Thursday. Interestingly enough I woke up at 6:58 am on the dot and we still didn't really get to the city until about 11am. It was fine though. I had to navigate our route to Katz Deli and we wanted to try to get some shopping in. I'm very proud of myself, getting on and off that train as if I knew exactly where I was going. I hate feeling lost. So we got there ate and that in itself was an experience. My girl Tiff just throws me off sometimes. We used to joke about getting her a blonde track of hair and just swoop it in the front for some of the things she says. So I go to the ATM and as I'm walking back to the table she and the waiter finish the conversation they're having. She looks at me as I'm still walking towards her and says, "Did you hear that?" I looked at the waiter as if to say, 'She can't possibly be serious!' And they both crack up. How in the world was I supposed to hear anything from the back of the restaurant? That was one for the books.

Then after Katz we decide to go to the Soho district to do some shopping. As we walk there's just so many photo ops along the way that we're stopping every 5 mins to take pics. The funny thing about shopping down there was that all we were looking for was an H&M and we found everything but. I found some cute shoes and hat that I didn't get but I took pics of myself in so that I could remember it. While in one store my first roomie Kyhra calls to let me know she's on her way into the city and she wanted to meet at Times Square. So I expect her to get into the city around 3pm. When it gets close to time to meet up with her Tiff and I make our way to the area and search for a bathroom. We dip into Macy's and its like packed. With Fashion Week going on people are shopping like its a holiday. At this point, we decide to take a breather and think our next move. Well by this time its around 4pm so we call Kyhra to see where she is. The plan is to either get on the bus back to our hotel at 5 to get dressed for the fashion show (the whole reason for the trip) and then get back into the city because we didn't know where the Lincoln Center was. But if Kyhra was in the city already she could just give a ride back to the hotel. We met up with her and got aquainted with her friend Marnesha who also happened to be a Hampton Alum. Long story short, we got lost on the way to the hotel and hurried to get dressed, missed the faster bus back to the city and to take the longer, more scenic bus. Kyhra and Marnesha ended up taking the bus back with us so she wouldn't have to find parking in the city. So riding the bus, I'm thinking we're totally not gonna make it. But we still tried. We got on subway in an attempt to make it to the Lincoln center and ended up almost going to the Bronx.

Got great pics btw throughout all this madness. By this time, we gave up on the fashion show and decided to get something to eat. Making our way down 8th ave, Kyhra says I gotta get some Starbucks. So we find one and go in. While she making her order, a very small visibly drunk man comes over to us and says D***are y'all models? Y'all are beautiful!" Then as Kyhra comes to join us he says Oh my goodness CHOCOLATE! Can I take a picture with you? She declines and in these types of moments when we're being harassed by men Tiff avoids eye contact at all costs and she may even disappear all together. So he walks out and Kyhra goes to get her drink, then we walk out. He comes back and with a bewildered look on his face he says, YO is Chocolate your best friend? Chocolate is fine yo!! Needless to say we kinda just had to try and lose him.

So our next objective is to find a bathroom. And if you didn't already to know, its near impossible to find a public restroom in NY. So we see this sexy looking pub. All low lights and mahogany wood inside but busy. So the plan is two of us distract the host with questions while the others run to the bathroom. Lucky for us there happened to be a large party of women walking in at the time we wanted to go in so we just walked in with them as quickly as possible and ran to the bathroom. I don't know if I've ever gotten as many compliments so close together. In the span of like 2 hrs I had been told I was beautiful, elegant and stunning all by different men. What an ego booster!

Next on the agenda: food. We see the famous Gray Papaya I think it is. The had a recession special 2 hot dogs and a drink for $2.45. It was good but clearly just a teaser. So I saw a place called Schnipper's home of the sloppy joe. I got a cheesy joe and yes I was all about it. As we sat there we totally had a Sex in the City moment just talking about marriage and fun stuff like that. Then we decide we wanna go to Serendipity for some of their famous desserts. The fastest way to get there is by cab. To get a cab was a ridiculous amount of bargaining. It didn't take us as long as some other people though. To be in that cab was like nothing I've ever experienced. I'm just glad I'm still here to tell the story because of that ride. In a turn of events the driver apparently didn't hear where we wanted to go and went $10 in the wrong direction. The sucky thing is that we had to pay for his loss in translation. He thought we said 16th when we said 60th. As we're paying for the ride this lady decides that she wants to hurry us out of the cab and opens both the passenger side doors. Well Tiff's mix of MD and NY came out like "She don't know us. She really needs to slow up." And I was like you know I was itching to use my mace homie! Plus I don't think she expected to see 3 tall black women getting out the back of the cab and when we did get out she sure did keep her mouth shut.

We got lost again looking for Serendipity and in the midst of it all I realized that it midnight and the last bus back to Jersey left. So we decided we're here lets go on in. It was really cute on the inside and I had a Cholatcino which I believe really helped me make through the rest of the night.....And that's to be continued in the next post because that's where the adventure really begins!

NY, NY

2010-09-10T00:21:00.003-04:00

So after day after one, I have to say I'm a lil underwhelmed at New York. I have yet to be wowed. I mean I feel like I saw a lot, I think its got beautiful architecture, but I dunno. I don't get the hype.

I've had to forgive Tiffani again and again for a bag she packed that almost ended our friendship. I ended up lugging this humongo bag up and down the subway, on and off the bus because of her bad back. Thats love I tell ya. The first adventure of the day was finding out how to get to our hotel. Which we did, tried to relax for a few mins and then got back on the road. I think we actually took the wrong bus back, but we got some good pics out of it.

I think we spent most of the time in Forever21, which is surprising but I got some great boots out of it. And the biggest shocker of the day: I ran into someone I knew from Tulsa! How random and just weird is that? All in all not a disappointment, but it didn't knock me off my feet.

Perhaps tomorrow will have more to offer.

The risk taker

2010-09-09T10:40:00.002-04:00

So right now as we speak I'm on a bus on the way to New York. Its my first time so I have no idea what to expect. I've always been one of those rebels who really didn't care about the Big Apple. I didn't really have a desire to see it up close and personal. To tell you the truth seeing it on tv or in the theater was just fine for me. But fashion duty calls and I'm answering.

Funny thing is I was getting my hair done a couple days ago and my cousin who is also my hair stylist says: I think you've been playing it too safe. Do you think you take enough risks? And I'm thinking: What are you trying to say? I'm a sensible person. I like to take into account the pros and cons of a thing before I do it. I used to be the kind of person who would do things on a whim. Some of those things were just plain stupid. Like jumping on some strangers motorcycle just because I wanted to ride one. So for me, this trip to NY, though carefully planned is taking a risk for me.

Plus while getting my hair done I've been goin progressively more red in hair color over time. Well this time I didn't get any blonde in my hair and when she put the red over the blonde I had in my hair, it turned a bright red. There's no blending into a crowd with this hair color. So I guess she decided she would help me out with the risk taking. Trust me, I can rock it but I probably wouldn't have on my own.

So here's to taking some risks. I've got my mace in one hand and my sanitizer in the other. New York here I come!

Btw I really love Tiff's lil mini computer. I'm definitely getting one of these.

Really now?

2010-08-19T16:13:00.001-04:00

A couple days ago I read an article clearly written by someone who was hurt by and bitter against the church. It was entitled How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely. There were so many things in that article that were against the Word that it makes my head spin, mostly due to the fact that this woman is not a Christian. That makes me wonder why wrote the article at all. There are standards that we live by and they are biblical.

So I guess you can call this my critique of the article. First of all, if you are attending a church and finding a husband there is one of your top reasons for going you’re on the wrong track. You go to church for instruction, motivation, alignment, fellowship and most importantly worship. Church is not a dating service. I’m sure many people have met their mates at church because, well there’s a common interest there. Why not? It’s just like someone who meets someone at work or the gym. Common interest. Whereas you may not necessarily go there looking for someone, you may just end up meeting them there. Secondly, I do believe that if that is your reason for going to a church then yes you will end up depressed because you’re missing the point. That’s like eating an apple and expecting it to taste like a banana. You will definitely be disappointed.

I believe this is the reason Paul said I would rather you were able to be single like me because your interests are divided. People get so distracted trying to catch someone they’re not able to do the work of the kingdom. That’s why people don’t care about the world that is dying and hungry. Too busy trying to look for someone to ‘complete’ them. God is the complete you. Your husband or wife is not the missing link. They are an added bonus. Talk to a married couple and let them tell you. You can still feel lonely with someone lying next to you.

Finally, I’m getting to the last straw of people trying to figure out why there are so many unmarried Black women. If its not our fault it’s the Black man’s fault or the church’s fault or White women’s fault. I really don’t care who’s fault it is. When it comes down to it all I can do is be who I am supposed be. What I care about is if my life is pleasing to God. And I stand on the Word that says God knows the desires of my heart and if I continue to be diligent that I will receive those things and more.

ya kno?

2010-08-12T00:06:00.004-04:00

So I was on facebook and a 'friend' of mine posted a youtube video where a singer was talking about Christians singing secular music. This friend and I have had this discussion many times before. Mainly because he wants to sing and he doesn't under any circumstance want to sing gospel. My question is why not? His is answer is that he wants to sing love songs. Is that sooo wrong? I try not to get all caught up with peoples' perceptions of right and wrong. My conviction comes from the Word and the Holy Spirit. But what I told him is that if you love the Lord, why wouldn't you want to worship? And for me secular music just doesn't help me get from day to day. Those are just some things I don't think about on a daily basis and I LOVE music.

Now on this particular youtube video the singer used the book Songs of Solomon as his reasoning for God being just fine with love songs. Well, as far as I know Solomon was married when he talked about his beloved and his lover. I'm not married. To be honest, I have a hard time reading Songs of Solomon. But I know whats in there and its beautiful. I'm sure when I get married I'll be reading it all the time. Same goes for love songs. I'm not gonna meditate on someone singing about their love for their spouse (if they're married) or their lust for someone else (if they're not). While on the subject of Solomon, if we're using him as an example: wasn't he the one that had all these other wives that turned his heart after other gods? I mean what was he meditating on? I'm just sayin.

I remember I used to be OK with listening to secular music because I was really trying to appreciate the musicality of it all. Then music got stupid and untalented. Now even when I try to go back to my old favs its just not the same. You almost gotta decipher where they're coming from. Artists can be really out there sometimes. And it may not be somewhere you wanna be. For instance I just heard one of my old favorite artists call God a she. I just don't believe that. How can I bypass that and listen to it anyway? I tried and then I just couldn't.

Now I'm not gonna say anyone is wrong or cool for listening to secular music. I'm saying how does it help you? And if you're a Christian, how does it help you stay saved? Now this particular artist in no way convinced me to pull out my old Jill Scott and start bumpin it 24/7. I gotta keep my mind clear. Nor will I condemn anyone if thats what they want to listen to. But I do feel like that music doesn't help me grow spiritually. Yeah, I can totally get with Jill sometimes. She talks about some real stuff. And sometimes I just really can't.

So in conclusion because I could go on all day, I think of this verse Faith comes by hearing, and by hearing the Word of God Romans 10:17. Whatever you are hearing and hearing will become what you believe in.

rotten

2010-08-08T16:06:00.006-04:00

I think about how spoiled we are these days. My air has gone hay-wire and the upstairs of my apt is like a gym. I got in the car this morning and blasted the air. Looking at Milyaka I said, "Remember when people were used to sweating?" Granted, I don't think it was triple digit weather back then. But today we go from air conditioned room to air conditioned room and can't stand being in the heat for 2 minutes. I thank God for technology, but its made us very spoiled.

We feel so entitled to have things. Talking to a friend about why certain things aren't happening in his life despite his hard working efforts made me realize that he felt like some things should just fall into place. An A for effort. But in reality, you don't just get an A for the effort. You get an A when you have prepared and effectively put the answers in the right place.

I was just talking to Milyaka last night about this same thing and she made it more concrete for me. She said, "People think being spoiled is material and getting everything you want in gifts. But really its thinking that you are owed what you want." I've just began to realize that this is an ultimate source of unhappiness. Its like we have forgotten that we come into the world with nothing and everyone has to work for what they have. Whether that means putting your foot to the grindstone, having difficult conversations that you don't really want to have or sacrificing what you want in order to show someone else love.

For us Christians its like we forgot the Word says, "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." I believe thats in Job. I'll look it up.... Hold on......Ok here it is...I was wrong its Psalms 34:19. Anyway, the part we seem to concentrate on are the afflictions. Not that we are righteous, nor that God delivers us out of them all. And you know what? When stop you stop feeling so entitled, you begin feeling grateful and thats when you begin to see things fall into place.

just a thought

2010-08-08T01:56:00.002-04:00

I met a guy once on the plane from VA to Memphis. I remembering seeing him in the airport. I'm not sure who started the convo, but me knowing me I'm pretty sure he did. He told me he was going to visit his girlfriend and so we didn't get any of each others information. I just remember that was a great conversation because I don't talk to strangers on planes. From time to time I just think about him.

admission

2010-08-01T21:02:00.002-04:00

I....am.... a product junkie. I will be glad when I actually finish a jar of something other than conditioner. But I can hardly contain myself from trying new ones. I saw yesterday that Trade Secret was having a half off sale. It's sad. So I'm sitting here watching One Tree Hill and I'm about to do my hair so I'm trying to use 2 or 3 things at once.

true love

2010-07-31T23:29:00.002-04:00

My friend and I just finished watching a movie called Timer. I first saw the preview on Hulu and then found it on my new fav site Netflix. Awesome concept of a movie. It takes the match.com phenomenon to another level. This company thats looks like a cross between a t-mobile store and an Apple store where you can go and get this timer implanted on your wrist to tell you exactly when you will meet your soul mate. The main character's timer is blank which means her soul mate hasn't gotten his timer yet. Which kinda makes her crazy wondering when and where he is.

So it kinda got us thinking...if you could know when you would meet the ONE, would you want to? And even if you do know, you could still definitely screw it up by not being open to loving someone. I think of characters like Joan from Girlfriends who had chance after chance after chance and she still managed to mess things up by being desperate or jealous. She was the perpetual single girl and after a while i was like please just find somebody!

Also I'm wondering can you be just too picky. I mean I know what I want and some things I'm not really willing to compromise on. Height....I know thats a soft spot for some men, sorry. Relationship with the Lord, I just can't have the same fight again and again. And when it comes to beliefs its a struggle if the person you want to be with doesn't know what your talking about.

I would love to see some options...Trust me, I haven't seen any. Cole actually suggested I practice my flirting. I know how to use the tools when the time comes. I just don't want to waste those tools on someone I wouldn't normally give the time of day. Nor do I want to get someone's hopes up, thinking there's something there when there's not. I like to be very clear on my intentions. If I like you then you'll know.

night time

2010-07-28T23:24:00.002-04:00

I'm so bad at routine, thats probably why I write here so randomly. I'm good at random. Well, my first attempt at a roller set with perm rods was a complete fail. Mostly because my hooded dryer is broken and I really have no idea what I'm doing. I figure the more I practice and when i replace my dryer it will finally work out. I was gonna try those 3-strand twists, but I'm tired. The only reason why I haven't passed out yet is because I'm nosy. I had to get on facebook, finish watching this movie I started earlier on Netflix and talk to my bff's. On top of that, I got into facebook stalking and you just never know where thats gonna take you. So yeah, I'm fighting to keep my eyes open and that's all I got for now.

2010-07-27T16:12:00.002-04:00

This is my new and I totally plan to get it very soon even though I won't be able to wear it until the fall. And believe me it looks even better on me. Plus I have a bangin leather skirt to wear it with. I passed it up the first time and it came back to me! Now tell that ain't meant to be....

Random

2010-07-27T04:46:00.002-04:00

so for the past couple days or shall I say weeks, I've been working like a maniac. I'm in retail if you didn't know and we had a floorset that was supposed to be over at midnight and I got out at 3:30. Then I had to be back at work at 9am. I was definitely praying on the way to work not to crash. I somehow made it through the day, chatted with Cole for a few mins and proceeded to pass out until about 1am. Which brings me to why I'm up at nearly 4am blogging.

On my last off day that I didn't post because I pretty much forgot what I was gonna say, I think I was doing my hair. Thats my new hobby and obsession. I'm trying to rock this natural thing for real now. I was faking before because I would always wear it straight. So since I'm up, I found myself on youtube watching natural hair videos trying to get some ideas. I'm also trying to figure out if I will get up and get something to eat.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna try 3-strand twists on my hair. Everyone talks about the 2 strand twist and for some reason parts of my hair still want to be straight. Its probably from all those years of faking it. I mean I wasn't getting a relaxer but it was never in its natural state. And to tell the truth if you look at pics when my hair was relaxed and then when it was natural, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. But it feels different to the touch. Its much softer now, I wouldn't go back. Not even for the convenience of it. So I'm thinking if I do the 3 strand it may come out curly as I want it.

Hopefully I can get to sleep soon because I want to be able to enjoy some of my day off. Maybe if I eat something it will help. A grumbling stomach does not help you sleep at all.

Became a recent member of Netflix. Love it. No more viruses trying to watch illegal movies. Which I should of known better anyway. When you're accountable to the Lord anything you try to do out of the will, you get caught. At least I do. I can't step outta bounds for nothing. That's cool with me though. As for Netflix, I watched Sparkle. definitely a classic. Its just one of those movies that remind me of my childhood. I probably should have never watched this movie as much as I did, but nonetheless it has some great lessons in it. And for some reason just between me and you, it makes me think of candy....always has and it makes me hungry. I know...real fat. I'll take it.

I'm just gonna end this post right here because I think I can go on for awhile making twists and turns in the conversation and I'll probably lose you so hopefully it won't be too long until my next post.

Testimony

2010-06-26T10:02:00.002-04:00

Telling my testimony always ends up making me feel retrospective. I would every time I tell someone, that I learn something new as well. I re-read my journal from college and whats crazy is that even though technically I was there, it was like an out of body experience. I feel and think completely different now.

It is a blessing that you can do a complete 180. People can look at you now and not picture you doing the things that were so common to you once upon a time. I can't say that I was the wildest person, but the change that happened was inside more than anything. The change was in my thoughts, my moods, how I felt about my surroundings. All of those inner workings made a tremendous difference in my life.

2010-06-25T00:59:00.004-04:00

These are some things I want implement into my life this year:

Learn to become an obsessive saver. My savings needs to become fat by the end of the year.
Become an obsessive blogger. I think I'm doing pretty well by blogging two days in a row.
Become an obsessive neat freak. Its just never been a habit. I don't I'm a slob, just tired and a lil disorganized.
Become more concerned about spending time with others. I usually just hang with who comes to me. Now my fam wants to talk about me. But you know what? Thats a two-way street people. Two- way!
Become obsessed with paying my bills. Good for my credit.

Gotta talk about this one

2010-06-23T15:56:00.003-04:00

So I'd been hearing all this buzz about the new Boondocks episode. First if you don't watch the Boondocks you gotta know that its satire. Meaning that it exposes truths using sarcasm, irony, humor and pretty much making it so offensive it cannot be ignored. Now the Boondocks was taken off the air for a while because of some of its subject matter. I believe it was the episode that portrayed BET as a weapon to destroy all Black people. I've wondered that myself sometimes. With shows like Tiny and Toya, its not giving us a lot to aspire to. Maybe you too can get knocked up by a rapper and get your own TV show. Then you will be successful......

Anyway, this particular episode the Target happens to be a Tyler Perryesque character. He pretty much uses Jesus to create this genre of theater and film in order to get men to sleep with him. Now I don't know about the gay part with Tyler Perry. I've had my suspicions like everyone else, but I have been saying for years that Tyler is just pimpin Christians and churches for ticket sales when neither his films nor movies have been godly for years or ever really. They merely give the image of going in the direction of Christ but don't see it through to the end.

I tried to give him a chance guys. My last attempt was Why Did I get Married Too? I can't tell you how furious I was walking out of the theater. I felt completely cheated. It was as if Perry threw something together because the sequel was highly anticipated and he knew the ticket sales would come flooding in. It was extremely wack, full of unnecessary drama and left with no real ending, but whatever. And I would probably wouldn't have been so hard on Tyler if he was just presenting himself as a black film maker, but he said he was representing for Christians. I have to hold him at a different standard.

I realized while watching this episode of the Boondocks that 1) People need to recognize a fake. Even outside the church they can see Perry is not genuine. 2) There is no real reverence for the church or Christ. He's a punchline, a means to an end. It truly saddens me.

I still believe that people will miss a lot of what this episode had to say. Not only was it presenting that Tyler Perry is gay, but people will still do anything to be rich and famous. To fulfill their own selfish desires they will use God or create their own religion. One of the characters even said and I'm paraphrasing, I'm tired of where I am. I wanna be famous and if that means I have to degrade myself, I'll do it. What will it take for people to see the light?

Surrounded by love

2010-02-20T22:54:00.002-05:00

I've just been so overwhelmed by my friends in the past couple weeks. I wasn' t even tripping about Valentine's day but then I got a package in the mail from Tiff. A big box of assorted V-day candy, a card and a cd. It was awesome. Then yesterday Cole got me my very own Ipod touch! That's been on my wishlist for a very long time. Today I felt terrible and I jus felt the concern from all my girls. Now its not all about the gifts although I love to get em. They don't have to get me anything. And even though I am not in a relationship right now I don't feel cheated because of all of them. Oh it's emotional people.....

What I would do for a sewing machine

2010-02-13T20:23:00.004-05:00

I have for years wanted a skirt or something that looks like this.... Thats just a great outfit. She makes me want to step up my game. Of course I have promised that I wouldn't shop, BUT I have the pattern for this exact skirt. Along with a button up shirt that I could make over and over and never run out of white shirts! But alas I don' t have a sewing machine. Anyone willing to donate, my arms are open for a Singer.

Making the Crooked ways straight

2010-02-11T11:53:00.002-05:00

So my newest adventure is dealing with some foreign things in my mouth. I got braces. Something I've been wanting since I was 10. And boy was I re-thinking this decision yesterday and it was only day 2. I got the invisalign braces which means you can't tell by looking, but there is definitely a change in my speech. The hardest part was first dealing with the pain of having them squeeze my teeth, then taking them out to eat and they hurt worse after putting them back in.

It has put an end to my snacking. I gotta plan meals out now. I hope this doesn't cause me to lose more weight. I can't afford it! But I thought I was more pain tolerant than this. Am I being a punk? I'll just suck it up for this life long dream of having a perfect smile.

When I was younger I wouldn't show teeth at all in some of my pics leading to some of the worst pics you've ever seen. Then in high school I figured out that it didn't work so I just began smiling, gaps and all. I'd become comfortable with it after a while, but when the opportunity arose to change my situation I took it.

So here I am today, trying not to get addicted to pain killers, planning my next meal and sucking up the pain.

On this day

2010-02-01T21:16:00.004-05:00

Got off of work this morning at 4am. That was the plan, but I just wanted to get out early. Really happy about the way the floorset went. That's what we were doing there last night. We got everything done, everyone stuck to their assignments. The thing about being the point person is that you are expected to do dual roles. You have to finish your work and tell everyone what to do, all while being prepared to be interrupted millions of times. All in all it was a success because we finished everything in the allotted time. I don't think I've ever seen that in all my days of retail.

So today, after sleeping until 1 pm I still haven't done anything thing I planned to do besides writing this blog and cooking myself a humongous breakfast in the afternoon. So I think now I shall go put some clothes in the wash, tidy up a bit and go to my moms.

There are some things on my mind that I would like to share, but I'm gonna hold off on that for now. And with this post I have succeeded my blogging from last year! So here's to many more. I'll tell you one thing though. Be careful what you say!

What is your gift?

2010-01-28T23:16:00.000-05:00

I was having a conversation with my friend the other day about what we want to do with the rest of our lives. We were talking about the career goals we have. I said, “I can do a lot it’s just whether I want to use my gifts or not.” I received my degree in marketing and I am still very intrigued with business. And she said, “I thought you wanted to design.” I just don’t know if I want to have to create something on schedule. I do draw. I’ve even considered going to design school. I also sing, but I don’t wanna be a singer. She asked this thought provoking question: Do gifts have to be used where they are seen? So I decided to ponder this question for myself because I don’t know any of y’all.

Well my personal view on gifts is that they should be used to glorify the Lord and not ourselves. That’s one of the reasons I’ve never wanted to be famous. I know many people who can sing and then are asked, ‘Why aren’t you on the praise team or choir?’ myself included. Don’t get me wrong, I love to sing and I love music. But does everyone need to hear me? I have a friend who is wonderfully anointed at leading praise and worship, but I think that may be all people would see when they look at her. I think people get tired of being exploited for their gifts. But that’s not my case.

I’ve never really taken the time to develop the natural gifts I have. I just simply do…or don’t. Now the Bible says to use your gifts to help others. I know this because I just looked it up. 1 Peter 4:10. Sidebar: I wonder if celebrities think they are helping others…then again that may not be their motivation.

Back to me: Perhaps I simply want to sing for my own enjoyment or just as worship. Or dance in my living room. How worse off would the world be if we had never heard or seen Michael Jackson? I guess we would never know. It’s almost like that ‘if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it’ riddle. You still have a gift, whether people know it or not. I think what is important is that the right people get to see it. Those who you are supposed to help achieve their next level should experience your gifting. At the end of the day we are all people who want to be special and unique. Just because your gift isn’t on a stage doesn’t mean it’s not special.

Ready for the Weekend

2010-01-25T00:37:00.002-05:00

I'm really not though. Because the weekends are not weekends for me. I'm never off and it will be a while until I do have a real weekend off. Two of our lower managers have put in their notice. Which equates to more work for me. I'm off tomorrow but I just know I will be receiving a phone call. Those are the breaks.

And now I'm looking forward to a real grown up move. Buying a house! And for some reason I never really planned for this, but its happening. Just like graduating from college. Its kind of just the natural progression. I am looking forward to decorating a whole house. Even though I've never been the decorator type. Thats more my mom and sister. I have a fashion, but interior decorating is a whole other genre.

this new sleep schedule

2010-01-22T23:45:00.002-05:00

Sometime somewhere I got used to staying up late and now I can't go to sleep before 1am. Yet I can't do anything productive while I'm up because I just know I should be asleep.

Back to the grind....

2010-01-20T23:58:00.003-05:00

My vacation is officially over. Back to working every weekend, dealing with some range of craziness and resisting the daily temptation of shopping at my store. I just realized that I'm probably one of those people I get mad at for not answering the phone or returning phone calls. There a few that I have yet to return today. Whoops.... But this is why. I don't like talking on the phone when I'm in the car with people or at someone's house. I also don't like calling people I want to talk to when I know I'm not going to have enough time to actually talk to them. And there is the occasional case of forgetfulness.... ah well.

Back to work now. I found out today that I have a new assignment starting as soon as I get back. I really have to tighten up my organizational skills. Perhaps that will be my reason to blog. I think I mascaraed as a person who is organized but I'm not really. I want to be organized to the point where people can pick up where I left off and not be lost. Where I know how to time things out and do them efficiently. Where does that begin? Its all in preparation. So I think I'm good for starting out even thinking about this. Now I gotta put this into practice.

Randomly, this night owl thing is starting to get old for me. I like to be up early. I know I'll get more things done if I start early, but I never do get up. Sleep almost always takes priority. And I really don't like to be rushed getting dressed even though I don't take very long. Then I wait too long to leave the house because I like my house and I just don't want to leave.

Well that was therapeutic! The first step to recovery is admitting to the world you have a problem. And if you can't tell, I do have a problem. Think healing thoughts and pray for my recovery.

Goodbye's

2010-01-18T02:44:00.003-05:00

Its funny how you don't realize how much you mean to peoples daily routine until you leave. I don't know how many times I've been told, 'Don't leave' in the past week.

I feel extremely loved...

Black Women Unmarried?

2010-01-17T00:15:00.001-05:00

I recently saw a Nightline interview with four successful black women between the ages of 26-31. The subject of the investigation was how these women may never marry for a number of reasons in America. Perhaps we should all move to Africa where there’s no shortage of Black men. Apparently all our men in America are either in jail, uneducated or unemployed. After you get rid of those undesirables there are only 54% of black males left to choose from and they just so happened to leave out homosexuals. So now we’re like at maybe 35% or less.

You know what? I apologize for my sarcasm because I was very conflicted while watching this segment. At first I was kind of in shock. I could see every one of my friends in the video. Then I was angry: what are they trying to prove? What is the purpose and what is the solution? As Steve Harvey pops into the picture as the latest genius of relationships, he says they should date older men.

I think we all have something in common, that we are not willing to settle for the sake of having the title MRS. In fact I know women who DO settle and still aren’t married. Tell me what to do different. I’m not sure I would do it but it would have given more credibility to making this segment seem like it was meant to inform rather than discourage. It made black women seem as if we are at the bottom of the totem pole so to speak. Like men have their choice of women and a black woman would be their LAST choice. Also they pointed out that perhaps our problem is that we actually want to marry black men.

But Nightline if no one wants us, what do we do? Do we lose all hope for marital bliss? And not to mention that getting married is NOT the same as staying married. Well I'm a Believer and I know the devil is a liar. So I think if the devil would want us to be depressed and discouraged this would be just the angle to use. WhatI choose to do is trust in the Lord and make sure I am prepared when the time does come as it WILL. Just mark my words, I'm so confident in the what I speak I leave no room for doubt.

New Beginnings

2010-01-14T11:49:00.002-05:00

Well to start this post off I have to give a little background information, so that you're able to follow whenever I talk on the subject. At my church we follow what is called the vision of 12. It just does exactly what Jesus did and is based on the Great Commission "go into all the world and make disciples". So in following that commission every is expected to have a cell group we call our 12. I am in a 12 and I have a 12.

Well I have one and it took me 3 yrs to get that one. Last night I realized just how much of a responsibility it was to have that one. I mean I think I realized it years ago which is why it took me so long to even open myself up to having person in my group. And I have heard people call their groups their spiritual sons or daughters, but I didn't think.......Wow, it just hit me last night that I feel like a mother. Never did I realize that I would be raising a 20 yr old, but she is also a baby in Christ. To take her through the steps of spiritual growth is so eye-opening. I am constantly thinking back to where I was at her age. Six years doesn't seem like a huge gap, but we are like eons apart. I've been told I'm even mature for my age so that like doubles the age difference.

She is totally a blessing to me. Thank God that she actually listens and values my opinion. Not only that she is concerned and cares for me. Although it has taken us a while to get to a place of complete trust and openness which is to be expected I am so honored that God has trusted me with such a precious gift. Now I understand how a parent feels. I'm proud when she does well, I discipline when needed, I love at all times. Wow...Its amazing.

How to get and keep your man

2009-12-18T11:51:00.003-05:00

I think the magazine industry is making a killing off of confused women who just want to be in a healthy relationship. They tell all these ways to find and supposedly keep a man. Some tell you men love confidence, others tell you to be domicile. However talking to a couple of my friends who have recently seen their relationships go down the drain without them ever doing anything wrong has me asking some questions. What is going on with the men in America? I can only say America because this is the only place I've lived. My experience is very limited but I live vicariously through others. And as far as I'm concerned I'd rather not date at all. I just need someone who interests me spiritually, intellectually and physically enough to not be bored after a month. I say just as if thats so simple. Apparently its not. And my experience in Oklahoma is that black men here don't really date black women. Its very rare to see a black couple. I am an equal opportunity dater but black men are my preference. I may have to move just to get married.

Anywho, back to my questions.... It seems as if we women have gotten selfish. We've gotten ourselves together financially and regained our confidence taught our children to have girl power. We've demanded our respect and raised entire families by ourselves. We've had movements and achieved great accomplishments, but have we left our men behind? They don't know what they want. The men haven't learned how to lead a household, make decisions or become husbands. What we have allowed them to do is perpetuate this fight or flight mentality. Wherein they will either stay in a situation suffering without voicing how they're feeling, leaving the situation mentally. Often there is the case where the men abandon the conflict physically by disappearing. Then there are those who cause fights in order have a reason to leave altogether.

In every circumstance there are the exceptions to the rule. I don't have a lot of experience with these but I believe they are out there and I pray my husband is one of these. So maybe the men need to have a movement of their own. I don't think it will be anything like ours but it needs to be one where they realize the value of decision making and commitment. Either their expectations have somehow gotten twisted into some type of fantasy or women have allowed them to be complacent by accepting whatever is given to us. And in the cases when we are not given what we need, we take on the Superwoman persona and tell ourselves and everyone else that we can handle everything.

This is all out of order. Everyone ends up heart broken. The men continue to wander aimlessly and women wonder whats wrong with me?

Just a thought

2009-10-02T01:24:00.003-04:00

If I tell you as a word of caution not to join a group because they don't believe in Godly principles and you don't follow Godly principles, is my warning in vain?

Ah well...

2009-09-12T20:06:00.002-04:00

There are some people in my life that make me feel like I can do absolutely nothing right. That's when I have to say, Devil you are a liar! And make them take it back by blowing them out of the water. This is one of those days. I feel like I'm always being watched and truth be told, I am. Cue the music: I always feel like somebody's watchin meeeeee. I'll take that challenge and see you at the top. I'm so tired of being mediocre. Barely getting by on anything. I wanna be excellent.

random

2009-09-11T17:30:00.002-04:00

Saw a cute guy in Wal-Mart today. I was ashy from head to toe. Sometimes its sucks not caring. Y'all stay moisturized! Bout to get my eyebrows threaded...

Watch out there now!

2009-09-11T16:33:00.002-04:00

Ya gurl's got internet now! You know what that means? When I can't sleep at 2am, I'm so gonna be right here! I know at least one person who's gonna be excited about that!

For my first deep thought of the day I would like to say, with the exception of this day being my aunt's birthday, this is a day I will never be able to forget. You know how your parents talk about knowing where they were when MLK was shot or Kennedy. I know exactly where I was on this day 8 years ago. I know how I felt and the memory is forever imprinted. And I remember thinking on that day how important it was to know the Lord.

I am so glad that I have grown and I am still learning which means I still have growing pains. The reason that day still resonates in my memory is does hurt that some people did not think that would be their last day on Earth. They had plans for tomorrow, I pray its a wake up call each and every year. Not only for me, but for their families.

sigh

2009-08-04T22:05:00.001-04:00

I saw a man with a pool table for sale. If I had the money I would have gotten it. I was just thinking the other day how nicely a pool table would fit into my room. Who wants to go play?

Ohh wee

2009-05-25T12:20:00.003-04:00

I have been missing my blog something serious. Trust me people, I've had a lot to say these last few months but without internet its hard to write in the moment. I just got back from a vacation in VA. I'm so glad I got to go because I never get to go anywhere. I'm always working. Speaking of work, which I don't speak of ever, I'm at the end of a transition which I'm really excited about. Its finally a challenge that I am willing to put more than just the minimum work into. Time for me to be an over-achiever. But the vacation was awesome! You really know you have true friends when you can see them two years later and feel like its only been a couple days (Thanks Holly). Right now this is just a reintroduction, no real topic or anything. I'll be hooking up the internet soon then it will be non-stop blogging. I thank God for a rejuvenated spirit and motivation to keep growing.

Yeah, I know this blog is kinda blah. I've been out the habit for a while. It'll get better I promise.

heard that

2008-10-11T17:15:00.005-04:00

I have a love/hate relationship with soul music. Its so deeply ingrained with sadness and the voices that sing it FEEL SO MUCH. You can't help but feel it. I grew up with this music and took to it quickly with vigor. Attached to that came the depression of the music. It speaks so badly of love. Love hurts, love don't love me, love seems to hate us. No wonder I've been commitment phobic, self-destructive and evasive. If you were to listen to some of my old mix CD's you'd think I was depressed and you'd be RIGHT. Why in the world was I depressed at 11 and 12 years old? How could I ever identify with any of this music and never experienced any type of love. There was a longing it, an ache you heard. It was good at first then turned for the worst. This music shaped my perception of love. And I thought I was a romantic.

These people don't know what love is.

I'm Dreamy

2008-10-08T21:32:00.003-04:00

So, a co-worker says to me,"Why you so SERIOUS? Sometimes you be looking like you wanna slap me." I should have said, MAN I'm FOCUSED! But instead I said, I dunno... Its not like I don't have a silly side. Not everyone gets to see that. But when I'm at work, I'm working. That's why its called work. And I like my job so I'm constantly thinking of how to make things better. Plus I got lots of other things running through my mind. Making a lotta plans right now. Thinking so much!! I need a vacation. Anybody up for a cruise?

oh memories!!

2008-10-06T22:33:00.002-04:00

Y'all ever got whipped with a switch? I don't know why this came to my mind today. I was just wondering if this was a country thing? Black people thing? Iono. And remember you had to get your OWN switch? And if you ain't pick out a good one then you had a get another one. My grandma had a really good switch bush. You tear the switch off, wrap your hand around the branch and go from the bottom to the top. Get all the leaves off that way.

Now somebody tell me why its called a switch? Because it could switch a bad attitude to a good one? Cus it changed from a tree branch to a device of disciplinary action in mere seconds?

I guess I started thinking bout this because I been thinking about kids lately. How to raise em. It might just be time to bring back the switch. I think I'll plant a switch bush just in case......

Its's gotta be something

2008-10-01T20:53:00.004-04:00

One more week until the end of my fast and its not getting easier. The other day I was just thinking, I wanna quit. But I feel like this is the time where breakthrough is at the door. Today at work out of nowhere I was asked a series of questions about God and Jesus. Out of nowhere. I feel like if I was preparing for this moment, then it was worth it. I pray that I answered correctly. And I told them if only I just give you what I feel. Is there a way? People are sooo on guard about God and mention Jesus...oh its all over.

Basically we had a nearly intense conversation about witnessing and telling people about the Lord. How do you know truth is truth? How do you convince someone else about the truth? I believe God does give us opportunities to witness, but everyday should be a silent witness.

Everyday I'm learning. God is an awesome Teacher.

Who's getting old?

2008-09-27T00:02:00.003-04:00

I went to my high school homecoming game. I had so much fun! My high school was like being at an HBCU. And no one who didn't go there understands. We had so much school pride. Plus I was a flag girl in the band, so during the third quarter the alumni got to perform with them. I'm more in shape than I thought. My kicks were higher than some of those high school girls! That was my workout for the week. This is one for the books.

Turn it around

2008-09-24T17:36:00.002-04:00

So keeping this up is gonna be another challenge. My mind goes blank after work. Without television I gotta find something else to do. This would be a great time to finish all the things I procrastinated to do. Perhaps drawing, cleaning, or making some more lists(I love lists).

I am going to church tonight, they cut it down to an hour service. There are pros and cons to having one hour service. Pros: Its just one hour. Get in, get out, go home. Con: Its just one hour. Its hard for me to convince myself to drive to the other side of town for just an hour. Then if I happen to get out even a lil bit late, forget it. And right now, I'm tired. But I am gonna go.

My sister has been getting interested in God lately and I am happy about that. Sometimes I wonder what her motives are and really that's probably not for me to know. I'll just continue to pray for her and I hope she finds more than she was looking for.

OH buddy!

2008-09-22T19:13:00.002-04:00

Look at ME go! Two days in a row posting! I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing some interesting stuff. I feel like I've lost my groove a lil bit. Then again, I don't really do anything or go anywhere. And really, I don't care to because if I did I probably still wouldn't have time to write. Mostly the reasons for my absence are because I moved down the street and I don't have a computer there.

Right now I'm fasting from television (don't ask if I've seen anything), meat (except fish), cheese (you know how I loves it) and chocolate. Needless to say, it has been a real challenge. But God has been showing me a lot. I can't wait to see what He reveals next. I'll most likely be writing about that.

But I will say this: I'm so tired of hearing that I'm old. I'm still in my TWENTIES! In my opinion, that ain't old. And I will never accept that. I look at like this. I feel like I'm still growing and learning at an amazing rate. So as long as I'm growing I won't be calling myself old.

So when I started my fast, I made the mistake of thinking all spiritually. Like I'm gonna be so much more loving! Clearly some of the first things I saw about myself were things that were so ungodly! I told my girl from church about it and she said," Well at least they're coming out."

I have this huge mirror in my living room. I started to write all those things on the mirror. One thing led to another and now my mirror is nearly full. I get the pleasure of looking at them everyday. So then I took the Word and applied scripture to everything. That in itself is a lesson. I was looking for something in my Bible and ran across this note. "The closer you get to God the more you realize your own sinfulness and unworthiness." The thing I love about God is that He rebuilds you. I'm so looking forward to what's gonna come out of this.

Watch ME

2008-09-21T00:14:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't been too loyal to my blog. I kinda forgot about it for a while. But I'll try to do better.

What's been going on in my life? So much I may not have time to explain. But I do have a thought for now.

Being saved is like being a celebrity. Think about it. Everyone thinks they know you and they don't. Paparazzi always looking for dirt on you. If they don't find any, they make it up or go way back in the past to dig up some. Don't let you have one bad day... Oh no. Then the impression is made.

Now for the differences: Instead of rehab, we repent. We get the greatest rewards: peace, joy and righteousness. I love being saved! There's nothing like it. I've tried some things and observed others. This is where its at.

OK

2008-07-06T17:02:00.000-04:00

I think I'm getting the hang of this.

goals, goals, goals

2008-07-03T21:18:00.004-04:00

So in my discipleship group we've been focusing on answering God's call on our lives. Not that everyone just instantly knows what they've been called to do. Or even believe their calling. At this point we are exploring gifts, goals and interests then submitting them to God. Sounds like an air tight plan. Not as easy to execute. Fighting doubt, low self esteem and laziness every day can cause you to stay stuck. I've seen it . Its easy to be mediocre. I don't want to be that. Because its also disappointing.

Then we also expressed a fear that was common to most of us. The fear of being great. Actually accomplishing what you set out to do. I've been getting back into reading Dr. Myles Monroe's book Understanding Your Potential. He said, Failure is not in the lack of successes but rather failure is the lack of trying.

I'm not the most outgoing person. I'm not really good at networking. And I don't know that many people, but I know someone who knows everyone. I think I need to spend a little more time with Him.

I can't wait for the next Encounter.

Let's start a new trend

2008-06-30T21:27:00.003-04:00

How bout we help each other out and stop settling for mediocrity? We seem to be afraid to reach our dreams. Make a difference in the world. Who has been telling us what we can't do. I for one am all about making others step up to their potential. I plan to lead by example.

As a person who had no ambition as a teen. I simply existed and dreamed, but never acted. I refuse to step down anymore. Anyone stepping into my life has to come up. I'm not coming down. I want more for myself than I've ever wanted. I'm taking steps to do those things.

Don't tell anybody

2008-06-06T20:04:00.002-04:00

I'm a closet sports fan. I'll watch just about any sport on television. My favorite: basketball. I love it from an artistic point of view. I honestly think its the most graceful contact sport there is. Now I don't know anyone's stats. I won't be debating with anyone, so don't try and challenge me on my knowledge.

I do know who I like and right now, I'm all about the Celtics. Wherever Ray Allen is, I'm there. Plus you can't beat a team with Ray, Kevin Garnett, AND Paul Pierce. Oh yes, its about to go down, That game last night was freakin fabulous. I may not be able to watch them all. I get a lil outta control.

Anyway, GO CELTICS!!

Putting it all together

2008-05-21T16:04:00.002-04:00

This a real grow up time for me. I got many issues and they seem to coming to the surface all right about now. I stay positive most of the time, oh but its gettin rough. I'll just put one of those issues out there. Trusting God. Pretty big, huh? And it seems so basic, right? But when I begin not to trust Him, I try to put things together on my own. A lil bit of a control freak am I.

I could get a job anywhere. I don't want just any job. I want the job that is going to propel me into my purpose. At this point I feel like I over stayed my time at my current job. I'm beginning to hate it. Don't wanna wake up and go there. Everyone is starting to irk me. Not a good look. Anyone who has ever looked for a job knows its a process. I've gotten calls from places where I just don't want to work. Sure its a job, but at what risk. I've been going to work and I feel like its a waste of time.

There's so much stuff I'm capable of doing. I'm looking for those open doors.

How frustrating it must be for God. Its like having to prove that your trustworthy every week to someone you love. You might just yell,"When are you finally gonna trust me?"

Just like everybody else I get discouraged sometimes as well. I really am thankful there's a Word for me when I get to church. I was starting to get overwhelmed. I'm much better now.

Ready or Not

2008-05-15T13:52:00.004-04:00

I had an amazing experience with the Lord last night. Amazing because I hadn't felt that way in a long time. This week I have been going to prayer at my church mainly because its been available. I missed Tuesday simply because I found a big sticky stain on my shirt as I was about to get out of my car. Irrelevant maybe, but nonetheless it happened to be the end of a chaotic day anyway.

So, I got to prayer with a mission. I had to experience the presence of God. But I didn't wanna get all emotional, crying and snotting. I wanted to this very controlled and lady like. I sat there for an hour and nothing really happened. Nothing I could think of. And I felt like I was really trying to get there too. Maybe not really.

Anyway, church begins and my pastor forewarns us if we do want to experience a change, we might wanna leave the church. He goes through the message, a powerful one, then begins to pray. Oh he definitely was hearing from God. I was really trying not to be distracted, but I saw one of my friends that I'd been praying for go to the altar. Praise God! But there was some work to be done in me. I felt the power of God so strong. I had such a need to be delivered. I cried out for deliverance. I saw my other friend I'd been praying for go to the altar. Praise God. And He wasn't done with me yet. I was bent down so far I was crying UP. Even after the pastor said you are dismissed, there were still people worshiping at the altar including me. I went to hug my friend and after that went back to praising. If only we could have spent the night there.

Its so crazy that at church you can still feel the judgment so strong. People think they know whats going on because there's so much gossip. I know that people must have thought that my actions were for my friends. While I am grateful to God that they came to the altar, I'd been waiting all week to experience that level with God. I came to the realization earlier that day that just like He has a relationship with me, He has one with each of them. Though I pray for them, its not about what I do. I love them either way and so does He.

I also know that after you experience that level of worship, its hard to go home and change everything about what you'd been doing. Although you have begun a change in you, everything around you is the same. I think thats why so many people wanted to stay there. It's so much easier.

God is so worth it. I wish I could explain further. You have to know Him for yourself. I have a friend who is afraid to get close to God because he feels it means more pain in his life. We must love ourselves, but love Christ more. Thats hard for us because so long we've been fed to forget about HIM. This world is so screwed up. I think what he's looking for is a demonstration of God's power. And that is the beginning of another entry, but the end of this one.

Preparation is key

2008-05-13T13:06:00.003-04:00

I had an interview today. The first one I was actually excited about. This morning started off in utter chaos. I had to finish my hair (which is no easy task in itself), find out where the place was and get a professional copy of my resume. I thought I would have enough time. Apparently, I didn't. I had to run up to my apartment at three times because of things I had forgotten. Let me tell you, running up and down three flights of stairs in heels is not fun. It is a good work out though.

Anyway, I get directions. I'm like 'Forget the resume, just get there'. Speed down the highway and I'm in the general area of the building, but cannot find it. You gotta know how frustrating it is to be so close, yet so far. I start praying, Lord what do I do? Do I call? I'm so late. That looks so unprofessional. Should I reschedule? Its kinda late to reschedule. I've missed it. God is taking too long to answer me. So I call Tiff. No answer. I call my mom. No answer. I call Milyaka. Straight to voicemail. So I go back to God. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

As I'm driving I hear the CD I'm listening to "He's still in control" they sing. "He's sovereign and He knows". And I'm like yeah, yeah. I know all that. But what do I do NOW? And God reminds me to trust Him. If not this interview, there will be another. Therefore, be prepared next time.

This whole episode was a very quick lesson learned. I literally just got out of the car to write this. How can you expect the blessing if you're not prepared to receive it?

Its time

2008-05-05T14:25:00.002-04:00

So I gave my two weeks notice to my boss and I'm grateful for the peace of God in doing it. Had I stayed and continued to do well, I might have become complacent. Feels like a new chapter in my life and there's been confirmation all around. Now I can toward my ultimate goals in my life.

Praise God

2008-04-30T18:45:00.001-04:00

Thank you DADDY for doing what you've promised you would do! I can't even explain what it means to me.

Salvation

2008-03-26T12:39:00.002-04:00

I thank God that I'm saved and my friends should thank God as well. If it had not been for the Lord, I would be the wenchiest wench (or a Double W as coined by Tiff) that you would ever know. In addition to being a mean person, I had a foul mouth. Now to some, that may have been entertaining but to me it was exhausting. I was a mean person and never denied it. And as most know misery loves company. But I don't think Misery is as popular as people would think. Misery might love company, but who wants really wants to be around her?

As a Christian I cut out the foul mouth, but I have still have a weapon. An arsenal as a matter of fact. I tend to be right about most things. No really its true. It seems that I must let people know that too. At the time I think I'm doing them a favor. Don't you want to know whats right? In the end, I get satisfaction from knowing I was right. What does that make me? Self- righteous? Ewwww. That is not sexy.

I'm skimming through this book I picked up in the library. The Power of Purpose: Living well by doing good. Just by the title I know its gotta be Biblical. And it is, but not overtly. The way of the world is to take Biblical principals, yet don't give God the credit. Anyway, the part that caught my attention is a chapter called Winning the War. "The feeling of power that comes from making a clever, cutting remark or proving yourself smarter than someone else is a petty victory." Ouch. I felt that.

I've been praying about being judgmental because clearly I can be. I don't want to be right with the risk of pushing others away. And I have learned it doesn't really matter if you were right or not, people do what they want anyway. There's really no need it making them feel small after they realize they've made a bad decision. What if you were just supportive in the end once they've finally come to themselves? They wouldn't resent you for looking down at them, but thank you for being there.

Erykah Badu said in a magazine,"Being humble is so 2007." Humility may be out of style, but its definitely a necessity.

how's it goin?

2008-03-07T21:26:00.002-05:00

So how's the new place? How you like the apartment? All questions I've been asked. I mean there's not too much there. It's quiet and I mean that in a good way. I can't wait until I get some furniture. I've been asked what I need. Y'all know I love lists so I told em. I've never lived alone before. It's very strange. I feel like its something that I need to do. Maybe I'm not as independent as I thought. Then I started to think, is this the way it will be forever? I'm jumping the gun, I know. And I've only been there a couple weeks. So now its furniture time.

I'm tired of sleeping on the floor. Its too hard to get outta bed when bed is on the floor. Its like climbing upward which takes more energy than swinging your legs over. You're already halfway standing up. Furniture is coming in two days.

Plus, I've had all this crap going on with my phone. Haven't been able to call anyone. Great introspective time. Now I'm ready for my phone back. I'm just wondering what my voicemail has on it. Can't wait to listen to messages from a month ago.... and erase them.

My niece wrote me a letter. She's only 3, so it was one SHE had to read to ME. It said, "Kita Come home, I love you." Then a couple hours later it said, "Kita Stay with me, I love you very much. " Touched me wayyy deep in my heart. I love my baby, but I gotta grow up and I HAD to get out.

Speaking of growing up......HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!

Those leeches again

2008-02-22T09:37:00.003-05:00

I have a lil cousin who likes to tell me about her day to day life. I appreciate being the big cousin that she feels she can talk to, but at the same time its all so immature. I realize that I am definitely in a different generation. I know she's a kid and they do immature things, but I just wanna say, "Grow up!!" Maybe I expect more from her and I shouldn't. I don't know what its like to go to high school these days. I don't know the pressure she's under. But what I want to do is help her see the bigger picture. Life is bigger than high school. Guys, I know she's not my age. That doesn't change the fact that childish ways irk me. Especially from people who want to say, 'I'm grown'.

I've always felt this burden when people want to tell you about their lives and problems. What do you do? Do you let them make their own mistakes and say nothing? Do you give advice and watch them make the mistake anyway? Sometimes I feel its better to say nothing because at least you don't have to say 'I told you so' at the end of it all. Its better for me anyway. But sometimes I can't help it.

I try to drill into her, learn from my mistakes!! Don't make stupid choices!! The reason I feel like she's in my life right now is because we are so similar and she may be one of the reasons that I have to be in OK right now. I guess I have to get over the immaturity.

Also on my mind about kids, when does it start being OK for people to stop doing the things they were taught as kids? In my friends' class someone asked is it OK for us to call someone a derogatory term if its true? NO! People don't know that its not a good idea to insult someone. Yet we tell our kids, don't say mean things. There are words that adults use that seem fine but if your 3-year-old repeats them, they might just get beat. I believe everything starts with the parents. I'm scared for this next generation with all these babies having babies, they haven't fully developed themselves. And everyone is getting knocked up these days!

What can you do?

2008-02-10T00:27:00.000-05:00

Well I call myself trying to honor my word by going to this wedding of a high school friend and I ended up getting lost twice and losing my cell phone. I am about tired of my cell phone provider anyway, so I think I'll cancel it all together. But in the meantime until I can get a new phone, I'll be without one. That should be interesting. Also I may have to change my phone number which I've been trying to avoid. I liked having my lil piece of VA. Perhaps its all for the best. Lord, knows I never could bring myself to erase anyone's number. It was full of numbers that would never call me and I would never call them. I'm sure I'll recover the ones that count and there's always the internet.

On top of all that, I've been attempting to move over the weekend. Getting rid of some of the clutter at my moms. Eventually, I'll be moving the big stuff. And you know when that refund check rolls in I'll get my bedroom set.

Right now I'm not really trippin. If you really gotta get me, you know how.

Sweet freedom

2008-02-04T14:20:00.000-05:00

Folks, I'm finally getting out. I've been planning on moving away from my family since I got here two years ago and its finally happening. Granted, I'm moving just down the street, but its more space and its mine. I finally get to see what kind of budget I'm really working with.

I have to admit I'm kinda nervous about living by myself. I've never done it before. Even in the dorm there were people just down the hall if you got the urge to chat. At least if and when my friends plan to visit I'll have a place for them to stay. And I'm so excited about decorating the whole place. Find out what my decorating style actually is.

unofficial wedding crashers

2008-01-21T19:39:00.000-05:00

So this year, I find myself invited to at least four weddings. And where I go, my crew goes. I think we're gonna start an album. Because at least we always look fabulous and its an actual occasion to look fabulous.

I'm learning

2008-01-14T23:01:00.000-05:00

Two things that might help me be on time:
Realizing that it now takes me longer than 30 min to get ready.
Realizing that not everywhere I go only takes 15 min of travel time.

staying on course

2007-12-19T03:57:00.000-05:00

As much as I try to keep from talking about work on here, my life lately has been nothing but. It's all because our regional manager was coming to visit. On Sunday I was at work until 3am waiting for the people to finish cleaning the floors then had to get up and go to a meeting at 7am. Yes, 7am. On my day off. Not only that, but my co-worker calls and tells me I need to come in at 9pm to start preparing for the visit. That doesn't end till 5am and I have to be there at 7am again! Yes, 7am. When I got home, I collasped in the bed which resulted in this 3am post. I have no doubt that I'll fall asleep again. Hopefully I wake up in time to watch One Tree Hill. Thankfully, my boss switched off days with me and I'm off today. Which also means that I get to go to church today! I'm excited.

on the bright side?

2007-12-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

Whereas the last year or so has been like a drought of men in my life. No men whatsoever. Now I'm getting approached by men that are not even my type. I'm talking short men, possibly gay men. Could this be a good thing? Perhaps God is showing me this is definitely NOT what you want.

How do you answer the question, What kind of guys do you like? Well that was kinda hard for me because I haven't talked to I guy I liked in a long time. And perhaps that needs to be revised to the right kind of man I should like. Not physically, but personality wise.

Tiff was going through her loooong list of pet peeves or things that she did not want in a man. What about you? she asked. I mean good hygiene is a given. As far as physical, taller than me in heels and handsome. Fashion: someone who has his own sense of style. Quirky or preppy, I don't really care. I do love a fresh hair cut. Pet peeve of mine: pet names (sweetheart, baby, boo). Especially if they start too early. Ew. The ultimate sale, someone who I can talk to, hold a conversation with, feel an instant chemistry.

And here's the irony of it all. With all this talk of meeting someone, I don't really care to meet anyone. I don't need any excuse to stay here longer than I have to. So what's all this about? Nothing, just writing...

how can I respect you?

2007-12-05T23:35:00.001-05:00

Most would say respect has to be earned. But I think thats because we don't respect each other in the first place.

Tiff quote: They were talking to their, what do you call that spousal group? Oh yeah, parents.

Lately I live at work. I've worked 33 hours this week already and I still have two more days of work to go. Do the math. Thats called a fat check and an exhausted me.

On kinda the same note, I've been feeling strongly the need to pray for my place of employment. Its a strong attack against that place. I was on my way to work one day and found myself deeply stressed and aggravated. It's trying to take over my life. I was mainly upset that I haven't been able to go to church either because I'm at work or too tired to go. I hate being a zombie in church. I'd rather be at home than be in church physically but not mentally. So on my way to work I started to have a pity party for myself and the tears came to the edge of my lashes. Then I felt like the spirit of the Lord was telling me to suck it up and I did. Just like that. I surprised myself. It was sorta like when your parents would tell you,"Quit that crying and fix your attitude before you walk up in there." In that split second He showed me that I'm an example for my employees and a reflection of Him. So I fixed my attitude. Little did I know I was walking into breakdown central and needed to be the tower of strength, so to speak. Praise God for a voice of reason and a relationship or I'd be leading breakdown central with the biggest, stankiest attitude of them all and breakdown of my own to maintain.

Today however was almost the straw to break the camel's back. As soon as I walked in, disaster after disaster. One client commented to me,"Well things can't get any worse." I smiled and said, "Let's hope not." So now do I just expect disaster and roll with it or do I work to find out how to minimize it? Maybe a little bit of both.